It really gets me!

Seminggu ni timeline FB banyak naik update kawan-kawan baru dapat baby.
Congratulations laaa kepada mereka.
I really wanna get this thing off my head, thats why I'm trying to write this out.

It really gets me.
Everytime new update on that came up on the FB.
Lepas seorang. seorang.
Like...semalam je...lebih dari 3 update.
Ada yang baru keluar.
Ada yang baru bagi nama.
Ada yang baru update scan.
Ada yang update scan, kembar lagi.

it really gets me. big time.
Though my hope this month quite high, since after Clomid and Duphaston, my last cycle day become 28..i wonder what will happen this month. 2nd round of Clomid and Duphaston.

Dah tak tahu nak heart to heart dengan suami macam mana.
Dia dah selalu dengar.
Diri sendiri pun dah tak sampai hati nak dia terus dengar.
Dia pun manusia jugak
Walaupun dia sangat memahami.
But the thing is, kalau D luah perasaan, dia lebih suka diam, x pujuk sangat.
Sebab pada dia, masa tu D tengah down, kecewa, marah.
So pada dia, kalau dia jawab, respon masa orang tengah marah...akan lagi buruk.

Which is true.
But not ALL THE TIME
I need his comfort too. Wise word. Calming me down.

Last time one of his best friend baru dapat baby. Pagi2 bukak FB...tu la padahnya pagi2 bukak FB.
After i got dress, turun bawah. Terus nangis sorang2.

And today. My mood being thrown all the way to the drain.
Last day of school. Good bye kids. You too really gets me.

CD5

on CD5, 2nd cycle of Clomid

Its quite shocking to find my new cycle came so early..in fact, exact on 28th day after the previous..

And this happened after my 1st cycle on Clomid and Duphaston...Does those works that fast?

emm...the previous one, i was having my menses for 15 dayssss...came after 43 days...and basically macam tu la selalunya..macam 2 bulan sekali baru menses..

I do hope those medicine really works on regulate my menses...Ameen!

Diagnosis

Hari ni ada appointment dengan specialist,  iolss mampu g gomen je..hihi

Pergi pun sebab dapat refer dari klinik swasta, lepas kena bleeding banyak tiba-tiba even a week before dah habis period (15hari)...tengah tidur sekali terasa benda keluar..berketul-ketul..

Terus tak boleh tidur..turn out husband pun tak boleh tidur malam tu sebab dia deman batuk2, tonsil nya naik...mula2 nak diamkan aje bleeding tu sebab selalu je terjadi..tapi sikit2 je..ni banyak jadi cuak..

Then bagitau dia maybe kat tempat kerja stress, so stress tu menyebabkan bleeding sebab hormon tak betul..terus laaaaa sesi heart to heart tengah2 malam buta sampai ke subuh..nangis2 bagai..T_T

Esok siangnya nak pergi klinik tapi dia bukak half day je sebab 16Sept kan cuti umum hari Malaysia..sampai2 je penuh..so malas..pegi esoknya pulak...

Orang tak ramai, masuk jumpa doc...doc buat pap smear tapi tak dapat ambil sampel katanya sebab macam ada mass halang dia nampak dinding rahim..plus bleeding lagi so sangaaat la tak selesa.

Then dia bagi surat refer ke gomen...ramainyaaa manusia tapi sebab dah determine datang awal..so tak ada la azab sangat menunggu...(note: do bring book to read mengisi masa menunggu..heh)

Kat hosp doc buat pap smear lagi....lemah betul tang ni...and Doc buat scan dalam guna scan rod yang panjangnyaaaa ya Allah...haha..

Suka pulak pegi hosp gomen ni sebab masa tengah tunggu lama, ada HO datang ambil history..so tak rasa tunggu lamaaaa sangat..dia pun nampak a very nice person..

Masa jumpa specialist tu, sekali 3-4 orang HO berdiri depan kitorang, dengar consultation tu. segan jugak..plus pap smear tu pun HO yang jumpa ambil history tu yang assist specialist..tapi perempuan la of course,,chinese HO..Dr.Pang :)

D tak kisah sangat HO ramai2 dengar sebab in my family ada 3 doctors so i know how hard docs must learn medicine field ni. Diorang pun belajar, kes kita bantu diorang belajar, so whats wrong with that kan...kalau bab segan2 tu of course la docs kat Malaysia ni paham je nak doc perempuan ke selagi boleh. ......eh merapu pasal HO pulak..

anyway, dari scan dalam yang specialist tu buat, dia nampak ada few small cysts around both of my ovaries. and based on my family history dengan kakak pun ada PCOS, so basically i'm a PCOS-er also....:(

I know that it is not a harmful thing, cuma kena jaga makan dan doc pesan try to cut off sugar (gelak kami laki bini kat situ bila fikir macam manaaa nak cut sugar nih...) but we will try..insyaAllah

So Doc bagi clomid and Duphaston untuk 2 cycles, tapi pharmacist bagi untuk 1 cycle je baru...nanti kena ambil lagi 1 cycle punya dose..

Can i survive it...??

So here is the thing..

Adik ipar dah maklum kat suami tarikh kahwin dia tahun depan...

Sebelum puasa..

Kalau ikutkan, lantak la kan kau nak kawen bila pun. Cuma dah berapa kali mak mertua n ayah mertua minta lepas raya, senang...ada masa kumpul duit lagi...lepas tu kalau buat time bulan Syawal, alang2 kenduri senang la orang datang beraya sekali..

Tapi tak...si adik ni (lelaki) dok nak ikut cakap bakal mak mertua dia yang pushy tu..Entah apa di kejar..(well memang la better awal sebab sekarang pun dah kehulu ke hilir berdua..macam lagi selalu spend masa dengan cik tunang dari family sendiri...)..

Tapi macam kata-kata parents sendiri dia tak nak fikir habis, pikir yang bakal mak mertua dia nak aje...

So ok lantak la...

But deeeeeeeeppp down I do get nervous also...adik I nak kawen memang macam takde bayang lagi...So my brother-in-law's wedding ni lah yang akan jadi a quite big thing for us, and the closest to my self.

Sebelum2 ni bila cousin2 suami or my own kahwin pun, ada la nervous jugak. (one coming up this December) but not as nervous as your own in-law i think..

2 cousins suami kawen after kami...sorang dah 2 anak ok! adik dia pun yang baru kawen last year, dah ada sorang anak jugak..so of course i'm quite intimidated.

So this the brother in-law of mine.....................................................................................

I told husband, lets strive for our kid seriously..as i promise myself I want to get pregnant BEFORE his brother getting married...or by hook by crook before they got one of their own.

Sounds selfish?

Yes.

But somehow deeeeeepppppp down...I do not know whether I could survive the emotions and feelings if that I thing i dreading of now, happens later on.

I am scared.
I am worried.

Can I survive my own heart struggle IF i'm in that situation?

Because I'm afraid I can't. And I will do something stupid. Many things.....

My husband and I do talk about this. (That's why I'm very grateful having him. He is soooo open up about this and he totally understands my worries..) I cried. Again. He understands the feeling and not once he told me something i do not want to hear. He understands what will I feel in that situation. His words are so assuring that he will be there for me and hold me tight to get through that.

Thank you hubs.

Though I do not know how am i going to get through that.

Can I survive it?

Allah......kurniakan kami segala kebaikan yang ada di sisi Mu ke atas kami~

Dan Majesky's Story ~ Final part

"It’s very difficult to think about, even now. 

"I don’t think I’m doing a good job of describing it. I don’t want to dwell on it. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t think it was until around the New Year that I went a day without crying about it.

"But, you know, you pass the car accident and it’s in the rear view, getting further away, and sometimes you don’t even see it anymore. Maybe you’ve told yourself enough times that 'at least we know we can get pregnant' and 'this just means that something was wrong and it’s a good thing.' Maybe you even believe it.

"Just to let you know how strong Leah is, she still made the Dean’s List that semester, and she was carrying 18 credit hours. I dropped out of college for the dumbest reasons in my time - once because I got mugged - but she persevered. Like Britney, b****.

"We started back at the fertility process too soon... 

"...in a dumb burst of optimism and courage, and the desire to move forward. The hormone treatments were too much for Leah. And the lack of success was too much for the both of us. So we stopped. Our doctor told me, privately, that we need to take care of ourselves, but that, if we want to have a baby, we either need to move forward now, or start discussing Next Steps.

"Remember: Dwindling.

"We tried a couple more times, one of which felt good – we thought we had it – and were told that if this one doesn’t take, that we would need to increase hormone treatments substantially and begin planning for options outside of IUI. In Vitro, surrogacy, or something else.

"The doctor also told us, during one IUI, that while Donald Trump scares him, his wife loves Trump because of the Mexican wall thing. They are both immigrants. His problem with the wall was that it would be impossible to pay for it. I don’t know. Doctors tell you some crazy s*** while they’re inseminating your wife.

"Through this process, and through both of our lives... 

"...neither of us have ever had a home pregnancy test come out positive. Even when we were pregnant before, it was the doctor who did a test. This last one, Leah couldn’t bear to look at it herself, so I looked at it while she was in the shower, and told her no, that it was negative.

"While she stood there, crying, I googled 'pregnancy test faint line.' As it turns out, even the faintest f****** line in the whole f****** world means you’re pregnant. So we’re pregnant.

"We’re pregnant.

"Not that we believed it at first, but we are. Three scans later, I’ve even heard the heartbeat, like a hummingbird, and it’s beautiful.

"As I write this, tomorrow is our first obstetrician appointment, and we’re so nervous. So, so nervous. I wouldn’t dare to post this until we’re in the clear enough, and ready to tell people. Almost no one knows right now. We’re worried to jinx it, us, we, who don’t believe in jinxes. Mostly, we’re afraid of going back through the pain. To have to retract it, publicly, is too much to think about.

"I know plenty of people have gone through more than us. 

"We are comparatively very lucky. Some people have never gotten pregnant. Some people could not go as far as us. Some people have taken many Next Steps beyond where we were. Some have been successful, but many haven’t. I hesitate to share this because I don’t want anyone to read this and feel what we felt, watching others’ dreams come true.

"Some people have found out, or have guessed, and have been very kind to share their own stories with us, and it has helped tremendously to not feel alone. Many thanks to all of them. I hope that maybe this helps someone else feel less alone.

"And I hope that everything goes well, and I can inundate you with pictures, starting in November.

…

"Everything went well. Arms and legs and moving around. We’re very excited, but I’ll be holding my breath for 26ish weeks.

"And it’s a girl. Not that gender matters! But we’re going to have a little girl! And I am stoked. We are stoked.

"We are pregnant."

-end-********************************************************************************************************

Their journey has just begun. 

As far as for me...it has not even started yet. Just about to open the door. May Allah ease~

Nightmare

Baru teringat...2 malam lepas ada mimpi..

Ada appoitment kat klinik untuk dapat result blood test

(oh by the way..ada 2x blood test dah buat sebelum puasa and masa puasa hari tu..untuk D2 and D21..baru ni sampai date appointment yang doc bagi, tapi baru result D2 keluar..D21 belum..plus hubby pun belum buat test semen..so doc nak tunggu at least D21 punya result siap, baru explain and refer specialist...)

so dalam mimpi tu macam tiba lah hari dapat result..and...and..

Doc sahkan i have endometriosis!

Menangis-nangis dalam mimpi tu..doc siap peluk2 pujuk "its ok..its ok"..tapi nangis sebab takut kot..
Sebab dah baca banyak, ada yang endo sampai operate2...fikir duit mana nak cari..plus i have history of surgery, scar surgery tu naik killoid which i hate very-very much...

Huwaaaa...takut!

Then terjaga, terus teringat..terus zikir2 nauzubillah semua bagai...moga dijauhkan laaa yang buruk2 yang menyulitkan...

ya ya sounds funny and childish...but nightmare la jugak~

Semoga Allah mempermudahkan usaha~

Not All People Feel Our Pain

Esok dah 1 Syawal

Alhamdulillah Ramadhan berlalu dengan baik..Semoga Allah menerima amalan2 kita sepanjang Ramadhan
Tahun ni raya di KL..KL lah kampungku...

Lately banyak kat FB keluar pesan-pesan masyarakat, bila raya berkumpul sanak saudara ni, elak-elak kan laa bertanya soalan-soalan sensitif tu kan. Dan for me, soalan anak tu memang akan dijangka, cuma tak tahu dari siapa dan bagaimana tone serta olahan soalan tu. Akan berbunyi berhati-hati ke, atau main bedal tak pikir orang ke...Manusia bermacam ragam..

I do not really mind actually with those scenarios..cuma memang berazam akan kuatkan hati muka cool je la menjawab. Of course la I also did not agree with some "answer scheme" yang orang bagi yang kebanyakannya macam bunyi biadap pun ada

Tanya makcik kau yang sibuk2 tanya tu bila nak mati.....in reality, kau mampu nak tanya sebenarnya?
Hahaha

But it is still a sensitive question, and i know some of them bertanya sabit nak ajak borak je, tak tahu nak update apa...sudahnya itu je la soalan pusing2..

Cuma hati ni seidkit panas..bila ada je yang kondem kita yang over-sensitive kononnya ni...terlebih buruk sangka lah..."ape jadah nak sentap..??"..narrow minded pun ada dikatanya..

For me..KAU TAK RASA, KAU TAK TAHU..so you have no rights nak kata golongan2 yang diajukan soalan sensitive ni over-over nak sensitive,,

Mostly yang cakap macam tu...belum kahwin pun lagi...atau yang baru kahwin, tak merasa perit di aju soalan2 direct depan2 tak berlapik like my experience here. Kahwin 1st anniversary dah sambut bertiga.

No. you do not feel the pain.

I've been through soalan2 bila nak kahwin dulu. Most of it malu je, tak berapa nak sedih sakit hati..sebab plan nak kahwin tu boleh kontrol..bila-bila nak kau kawen je, cukup duit, ada calon, kawen. Tak de calon, orang boleh carikan. Mak bapak boleh arrange kan. Tak cukup duit, mak bapak boleh tanggung2 kan. Ada pengapit2 nak uruskan jadi runner ambil baju kawen, pelamin etc etc.

But babies..no. Kau tak subur, kau tak boleh nak surrogate kan kat orang lain. Haram. Kau tak ada duit nak buat treatment, takkan kau nak buat pinjaman mak bapak. Telur tak cukup matang, kau nak amik telur siapa. Rahim tak kuat, kau nak pinjam rahim sapa jadi runner. Everything is on your own. Kena usaha sendiri. Diam-diam, Takkan nak kepoh kau buat treatment.

So bila orang asyik tanya dan tanya walaupun sabit nak berborak..tapi yang datang dalam kepala otak kau -- segala moment2 check up, tunggu berjam appointment, ambil darah, cucuk sana sini, telan ubat itu ini, pap smear, scan dalam yang buat kau senak, duit-duit yang dah keluar, tangis-tangisan setiap kali IUI fail, menses datang, gambar2 perut2 kawan2 kau upload....

Itu yang bermain di otak..yet...we have to take our breath and say..."InsyaAllah ada rezeki nanti adalah..."

Senyum pahit, Muka cool.

Tapi jiwa berombak.

Itu je kemampuan nak cakap while we flashback all the hardship yet people will never ever understand unless they have been gone through the same pain.

So yeah, we deserve to be spare such insensitive question. Lets talk politic issues...shall we?

Or kepala otak tu benak sangat nak fikir benda besar-besar hal dunia?


Arghhh..esok nak raya kot!

Dan Majesky Ep 4 - husband do have feelings....

So lets us continue to read the honest yet painful story by Dan Majesky. I was so touch when the first time i read it, that it become so close to it and sooo emotional. Not saying that I also went through the same story like him and his wife, I just found that I understand the feeling, and I do not want to lose the connection of feelings towards it. Because it teaches me how to be strong but at the same time, it is ok to have some breakdowns, even for a husband.

And to remember that, the husbands also feel the same as us the wives. And it is truly grateful to read it from the heart of a man, so I will try to connect with my husband emotionally, and understand that if I feel sad, he is even sadder and if I feel happy..he will be double happier than me.
Because good husband do become like that. So let us appreciate the feelings of the husband..:)

*********************************************************************************

"And then you freak out because, to be honest... 

"...you talked yourself out of real hope months and months ago, but now you have to get ready for a baby.

"Some weeks later, you go in for an ultrasound, and there it is. I mean, yeah, it’s a tadpole with a giant head. There’s its brain, and there’s its heart fluttering away, and it’s so real.

"And you relax.

"We’re in our late thirties, which means that the chances are higher than average that a pregnancy won’t be viable, or there will be a chromosomal abnormality, or something along those lines. We spent a lot of time tiptoeing around that idea, but we talked about it. And about not getting too excited. You know, the higher you let your hopes up, the further they have to fall.

"But they told us to relax. Everything looked great and we were on track, so when we went in for one final scan before being released to our obstetrician a couple weeks later, we were all smiles and jokes.

"'I’m so sorry. I can’t find the heartbeat.'

"And then you’re not pregnant.

"I’ve felt time stop before. Car accidents, falling off a fence, a mountain bike jump gone wrong. I have not felt the vertigo of infinity like when we were told our baby was dead.

"I’m logical. I understand science and biology. I know it was a fetus, not a baby. But it was my baby. In my head, in my heart, I could already imagine being old as it grew into an adult and had its own children, and – woosh – it was all gone.

"As I write this, the due date is a little over a week away, like a car accident on the road ahead that you’re trying not to look at, that you have to drive by.

"The world isn’t going to stop. We all get up and go to work. Because it happens. People lose babies all the time.

"Miscarriage.

"But no one talks about it. No one gets on Facebook and tells their friends. It’s specifically why you wait to tell anyone.

"But then you have no one to tell. When a family member dies, you can share your grief. With a miscarriage, you would have to tell people that someone who will never be born, who they had never heard of and will never meet, but who meant the world to you, is gone. And you don’t have the strength to get into it. You tell your parents, maybe a close friend, maybe your boss.

"I was so stunned when it happened that I texted my boss that I wouldn’t be back that day, but that I’d be back the next, which really cracks me up now. I didn’t even get how I was about to be affected.

"Leah was scheduled for a D&C, dilation and curettage...

"...under general anesthesia at Christ Hospital right away, so she wouldn’t have to go through the trauma of slowly passing the fetal tissue over the course of a week. It wasn’t until they took her back that I let myself break down. Alone with my worst thoughts and the sour coffee of the waiting room for several hours. God, I have no idea how long. One more forever.

"The people at the hospital were excellent. We got a lot of information about support groups that we never went to, but we should have. We just wanted to hide.

"I’m thankful for our families and our friends, who came to sit with us. Who brought Lea the things she needed, and let me get out of the house to walk around the neighborhood. I must have looked like a zombie."

Words~

Found this luahan perasaan di Facebook. Memang dah banyak sebenarnya luahan macam ni kita baca. Bukan bermaksud merungut...Bukan minta simpati..Nak minta difahami pun, bukan semua orang keliling tercapai akal nak faham (maksudnya dapat hidayah nak faham, bukan bengap nak faham..)

Doa untuk aku, kau, kita dan mereka~

*******************************************************************************************************************************

[ YE, KAMI BELUM ADA ANAK SENDIRI..... ]

- Memang la boleh berbelanja lebih, tak ada anak lagi kan..
- Memang la rumah kemas jer, tak ada anak yg nak sepahkan..
- Memang la boleh cuti raya lama, tak ada anak sekolah kan..
- Memang la boleh pergi bercuti selalu, tak payah susah2 nak bawak anak kan..
- Memang la boleh gambar berdua sweet2, tak ada anak yg kacau kan..
- Memang la boleh pergi umrah awal, tak perlu fikir nak tinggalkan anak lama2 kan mana kan..

Sekarang ni Zana nak tanya,
"Salah ke kami suami isteri dapat rasa semua nikmat rezeki tu di saat perkahwinan kami diuji dengan ketiadaan anak? Atau awak rasa ada anak tu membataskan kehidupan awak?"

Jangan ingat yg tak ada anak ni semuanya boleh belanja mewah, kita tak tau belanja dan simpanan dia macam mana.. Kita tak tau apa perancangan hidup mereka.. Kita tak tau apa2 sebab kita orang luar.. Kita tak tau apa perasaan mereka setiap kali soalan "bila nak ada anak?" tu ditanya..

Kebanyakan pasangan yg masih menanti rezeki anak ni, sangatlah bahagia.. Diberi rezeki utk lebih mengenal hati pasangan.. Sebab tu secara automatik kita akan nampak pasangan ni lebih mesra sebab memang rutin seharian mereka semuanya dilakukan berdua..

Sedih? Tipu kalau tak ada rasa sedih tu, tapi jarang sekali dan selalunya perasaan sedih tu sekejap sangat.. Selebihnya, mereka lebih suka memilih untuk teruskan kehidupan normal seperti biasa, berusaha, berdoa dan percaya dengan ketentuan rezeki drpd Allah..

Percaya tak hampir semua yg belum ada anak ni, bila diasak dengan soalan "bila nak ada anak" ni akan rasa lagi teruk sedihnya daripada rasa sedih menerima hakikat masih belum ada anak.. Sebab soalan2 tu la kebanyakan mereka jadi sayu hati, rajuk hati, menjauh diri dan rasa rendah diri..

Lagi sedih bila soalan tu ditanya di hadapan orang ramai.. Diusik seolah2 suami isteri ni berdosa berkahwin tanpa anak.. Diketawakan seolah2 pasangan ni serba kekurangan..

Maaf yer.. Zana bukan minta simpati, cuma minta kita semua sama2 belajar menghormati..

Hormati perasaan orang sekeliling kita.. Letakkan diri kita di tempat orang lain sebelum berkata sesuatu.. Bila kita cuba jaga hati dan air muka orang lain, insyaAllah Allah akan jaga hati, diri dan maruah kita..

Yang dah kahwin, bersyukur ada pasangan hidup.. Bayangkan kalau kita masih belum ada pasangan hidup.. Bayangkan kalau kita tiba2 kehilangan pasangan hidup..

Yang belum kahwin, bersyukur dan bersabar. Mungkin Allah nak bagi kita peluang lebih berbakti lama kepada ibu dan ayah..

Yang dah ada anak, bersyukur ada anak.. Anak adalah saham akhirat kita.. Betapa bertuahnya mempunyai anak yg mampu mendoakan kita setiap hari.. Bayangkan hidup kita kalau masih belum dikurniakan anak..

Yang belum ada anak, bersyukur Allah bagi nikmat rezeki bersabar.. Bayangkan jika kita ada anak, adakah hati kita boleh sesabar itu? Allah bagi peluang kita utk lebih meluangkan masa bersama insan yg sudi terima baik buruk diri kita.. Allah bagi kita masa lebih utk lebih dekat kepada-Nya..

Yakinlah Allah bagi apa yg kita perlu dan bukan apa yg kita mahu.. Kita merancang, tapi Allah sebaik-baik perancang.. Allah Maha Mengetahui sedangkan kita tidak..

Kita sebagai hamba-Nya memang selayaknya diuji.. Setiap di antara kita berbeza ujiannya.. Tapi percayalah yg Allah menguji sesuai dgn kemampuan diri kita..

Belajar menerima Qada dan Qadar Allah.. InsyaAllah semuanya akan jadi lebih indah..

Zana & Adiey,
Trying To Conceive (TTC) for 6 years.

The Painful Struggle by Dan Majesky - Ep 3

"Oh. And you are supposed to go in dry if you can help it. 

"Lubrication, as it turns out, can mess with the quality of the semen, which seems like a pretty big jerk move on the part of lubrication.

"But, yeah, I’ve got my routine down.

"When your sample has been washed and spun, or whatever it is they do with it, they put it in a paper bag that you carry over to the doctor’s office for the procedure. We long-timers can always tell the new couples. Their discomfort and optimism is cute. They smile and look around on their walk, hoping no one notices the bag they have pinched in their fingertips.

"Me, I carry my paper bag like a sack lunch. The same turkey sandwich I’ve had every day for years. With hope, yes, but the skepticism of routine.

"The IUI itself is pretty quick, and from what I understand, painless, if not the normal amount of demeaning of going to an OB/GYN. You get one more ultrasound to make sure everything is in place, and then they pour the gravy all over the giblets.

"Sorry. I know. I’m hung up on turkey metaphors.

"And then we wait.

"You’re warned against taking pregnancy tests because they measure hormone levels, and after taking all sorts of weird s*** all month, you can trigger a false positive. So you wait. And there will be spotting. Is it spotting, or is her period starting? You don’t know. So you wait. And you wait.

"And you wait.

"And sometimes her period comes, and you start over. Step one.

"And sometimes it doesn’t come. But the second line doesn’t appear, or the plus, or the whatever these tests do.

"So you wait. And it’s negative, but you hope, and you see your friends getting pregnant, and you get a little sad. But you get mad at yourself because you want to feel happy for other people, and that’s not fair to them. And then the 17-year-old across the street gets pregnant, and you get a little sadder. And your cousins get pregnant, and you get a little sadder.

"And you see people scream at their kids... 

"...and beat them in Kroger, and you just want to die because you would give anything to have a child throwing a tantrum in the cereal aisle.

"You don’t want to hate people. You don’t. I think babies are beautiful. I think kids are awesome, but you can’t help the jealousy. The envy. The resentment. It really creeps up on you. And you search for positive things. And you talk on end about your capital-O Options.

"And then you see people on the internet post screeds about how dare anyone assume that they would want to have kids because not having kids is the best – which is fine, have at it or don’t have at it, I really don’t care – but we want to be procreating, and we want what you could have, but are choosing not to use.

"And we want to tell you, but people don’t talk about it. 

"Because you don’t want to talk about it.

"Because you spend all day thinking about it, managing it. Trying not to cry. Trying to not turn into HI and Ed from Raising Arizona, stealing babies in the night.

"And the doctors start talking about Next Steps, and the Next Steps are very expensive, so you try it one more time.

"And then, while you’re in Kansas on a road trip with a friend, your wife does the IUI with a frozen deposit you left behind.

"And you get pregnant.

"You go in for a blood test, two weeks later, and they tell you that you’re pregnant. And you cry. Big fat tears of relief..."

Again and again...

Towards certain level, i'm getting used to hear the news of friends getting pregnant before me though they were just married less than a year...or less than my time..

But truly i cannot lie to myself to keep thinking about it..there is a small space of emptiness in my heart every time I heard the news..

Most of my friends which I am not so close enough, I can just simply being jealous for a moment, and I forget about them..do not bother to say anything to them..If i read on the FB, i just can scroll awaaaaay...

But to those are so close..so dear to me..I cannot just simply forget them, scrolling away or left without saying anything to them..just the best I can do is, say something like..take care, berapa bulan or something yg simple and just divert to other issue..trying haaaardd to conceal my feelings..

I AM happy for them...I do...I do...I do....i...i think i do...

Tapi tu lah...dalam hati ni ada penyakit....cemburu tu memang tak boleh tipu ada...dalam gembira la jugak dengar berita dorang..dalam kadang2 muka ni buat tak tahu or buat coooooolll je kan...i know many of us yang dalam circle yang sama, can understand what is the true feeling..

But I always want to know the secret of my sister's skill of hiding the feeling for a complete 10 years..even me, her sister can't even detect if she feels down whenever my sister in law and my other sister (younger than her) got pregnant before her..and she loves our nephew and nieces so dearly, i can see in her face..

I guess her Sabar is soooo great that Allah bless her with a cute son..and now Allah wants me to gain pahala of Sabar like her..maybe her limit was when the year i got married, that was the year she got pregnant. Alhamdulillah..Allah's plan for her is soooo perfect.

Sabar for waiting my turn insyaAllah. I do not know what is Allah's plan for me on when and how can I get my baby..but as for now..I just continue my plan and my effort, as part of His plan too



Lets continue Dan Majesky's story again soon...~

Macam mana nak pujuk orang untuk ber-TTC?

Ini bukan tips ya.
Ini persoalan.
Hihi.

Alkisah ofismate ada adik yang da kahwin, tak sure berapa tahun..Ofismate ni, si kakak ni belum la kawen. Masalah si adik ni, belum dapat anak lagi.
Tapi pernah pregnant 3x, dan tiga-tiga tu gugur at early stage. So macam kes rahim tak kuat la..

Masalah si adik ni...dia taknak jumpa doc tau. Dia tahu dia pregnant pun bila dah gugur..haaa..boleh?
Tiba-tiba bleeding, pegi la klinik jugak rupanya dah gugur. Tapi taknak buat futher treatment pulak, find out what is wrong yang buat senang sangat gugur nye.....

Puas la si kakak dan family ni pujuk. pergi la jumpa doc. Tapi apa ntah la kepala batu (ni kakak dia cakap ehhh) si adik ni tak nak dengar. Degil. Takut kot. Tapi cuba la dengar sekali kan...

Then since ofismate2 ni tahu la I dah mula pergi klinik untuk permulaan usaha ni, bertanya laa si kakak ni pada I, apa yang buat I mula..dan apa yang doc buat..

So I just story je la about past 3 appointments, and the procedures yang dah buat...and apa yang I tahu sikit2 tentang TTC ni. Maybe si kakak pun nak tahu so ada la brief skit pasal jumpa2 doc ni tentang treatment ni.

Then semalam ada bagitahu tentang klinik LPPKN punya servis. Sebab dari cerita si kakak ni, adik dia ni tak ada masalah pun nak conceive. Bahagian suami setel kot sebab lekat dah 3x kan. And period pun macam teratur, easy to get pregnant, cuma maybe rahim tak kuat je.

Bukan macam I, cannot go for LPPKN terus sebab period tak teratur, LPPKN tak treat irragular menses. Tapi kalau teratur, senang je la buat appointment kan.

Tapi tadi si kakak mintak tolong, macam mana nak pujuk si adik jumpa doc..adeh laa..

I ni pun bukan lah dalam golongan yang suka jumpa doc. Sebab takut, elok2 je rasa tiba-tiba nanti ada la jumpa penyakit entah apa2, then blank nak rawat macam mana. Macam before kena bedah jantung tu, tak ada apa2 pun pegi check up biasa je....alih2 discover ada jantung berlubang (anyhow I thanked that doc for detecting it...haha)
Lagi-lagi bila baca blogs TTCian ni, macam-macam benda berkaitan kesuburan...PCOS la, cyst la..endo la..kena buat laparoscopy la..yang terbaru I learned..pasal Azoo...azoo ape ntah. Haha. Seram. Takut. Doa banyak2 tak kena pada diri ni dan suami kan...

So..how nak pecahkan belenggu orang yang degil taknak jumpa doc ni?Tak tahu apa nak cakap nak bagi idea pada si kakak nak memujuknya. Sebab kakak nya pun da geraaaamm nak pujuk. Huhu...prihatin sangat kakak nih.

Alih2, kata si kakak, adik dia ni nak ambil anak angkat pulak...which pada I, dia senang mengandung...da 3x kot lekatt..insyaAllah ada la peluang cerah tu kan..anak angkat tu lain cerita la tunggu laaa kan..

Em...macam mana eh....

The Painful Struggle by Dan Majesky- Ep 2

So, lets continue this honest story.....

"For Leah, we eventually figured out...  

"...this meant a regimen of hormone boosters to facilitate egg production. Are you aware of what happens to people when their hormones go out of the norm? They are not happy. Unless they are happy, in which case, they are very happy. There is no mild. There is no average day. Her job was to feel like her brain and soul were on fire.

"My job was to try and not say anything dumb, because she also needed to be calm. I tried to avoid triggering phrases like 'Hey,' or 'Good morning,' or 'I love you,' but I kept ****ing up, and opening my mouth, or allowing Leah to see TV programs, or commercials, to read books, and interact with the world in any way.

"The best was when someone would ask her when we were going to have kids. That was just the best.

"Then, after one or two ultrasounds to make sure eggs were there, and in their right places on their little follicles, I would give my needle-phobic wife a shot in her thigh to set ovulation in process. She says she’s not so much afraid of needles as she is afraid of being stuck by me with a needle, but same difference, right?

"Over time, I developed a method where she would look away...

"...close her eyes and cry, while crushing all the bones in my left hand, and I would count to three, and inject her with my right. I wouldn’t inject her on three. I tried to pick a random time. She usually didn’t even feel it.

"After all that romance, you would think that abstaining from sex for a few days would be hard, but you would be wrong. You might also think we should be having massive amounts of sex, but it turns out that you have to let your seminal stash build up for a few days before collection.

"Over the last couple years, I became pretty professional about my sperm deposits. My first one was a few paragraphs up, for testing. Man, is it ever weird. You can do it at home if you want, but then you are under a clock to get your sample to the lab on time. I don’t need that kind of stress.

"I don’t talk about it much, but I like to think I’m pretty good at taking care of business in the art of sperm production, but I had never entered a room designed specifically for masturbation, while people waited outside, hoping my masturbation went okay. Perhaps that is what Eddie Murphy’s life was like in Coming to America, but I was less familiar with it.

"The room was like a combination of a hotel room and an office. 

"It had a big picture of The Ohio State University football stadium, filled with fans, on the wall over a small vinyl sofa. There was a neatly folded sheet, fresh and crisp, hanging on the far armrest. A clock radio on the side table, tuned to local political talk radio, sputtering away beneath a low-lit lamp, was paired with a little wooden cube that had one tiny drawer, specifically made for storing your collection cup.

"Under the table were four or five magazines that I didn’t really want to touch. Usually two Playboys, a Penthouse, and a Swimsuit Issue. Across from the couch was a TV/DVD combo with a DVD preloaded. I didn’t want to touch the remote either, really. It sat on a wicker chest.

"Wicker struck me as the worst possible material for a room designed for male masturbation. Everybody’s aiming for the cup, I know, but I also know there have been enough accidents in that office that it required a laminated sign about what to do in case of an accident.

"The first step, in case of an accident, is to not try to hide it by scraping your mess into the cup. Big no-no. This makes your sample corrupt, which may mean that your partner could end up being impregnated by carpet fibers if I understand correctly, but it is also unsanitary.

"The second step is to tell the front desk staff that you had an accident, which seems horrific.

"The people who work at the lab are people who, by my calculations, deal with upwards of 80 men per day who have just masturbated, or are about to, and their sperm. Sure. They are professional.

"But, still, everyone is a little bit tittery, a little bit anxious. We all know that this is all very silly, and that I just touched my penis, and you are someone’s grandmother, and that even though you have a pin in the shape of a little sperm fella to help break the tension, we all – if we really had the choice – would probably prefer to burst into flames than discuss any part of this, let alone the fact that someone missed. Whoops!

"The DVD would change over time, but still be of the same variety. Usually some kind of early 90s Eurotrash boat fantasies, or oily faux-lesbian scissorhands scenes, starring fingernails that made me very nervous. I would check every time I went in, and it was always awful. Everybody’s got their thing, I guess. My thing is that I am thankful for the Internet."

*Episode 3 coming up......

The Painful Struggle by Dan Majesky

"Do you have a minute? I’ve got kind of a long story.

"Leah and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years. I’m not sure when, exactly, we stopped the birth control. Like all our plans, we didn’t start with a plan, but instead decided that if we got pregnant, that would be great.

"And then we didn’t get pregnant.

"I mean, look, when you’re in your twenties, it feels like you can’t look at someone else without getting pregnant. We’ve all heard about someone who got pregnant through 2 condoms, spermicidal lubricant, and an IUD. Right? But we didn’t get pregnant. No big deal.

"We’re in our 30s. 

"Things are probably a little bit dusty, and a little bit rusty. So, three years ago, we started using apps and calendars to track this and that. Ovulation test sticks. Old wives’ tales of positions and timing. We got some late periods. And some periods that never came!

"But we didn’t get pregnant.

"So, off to the doctor we went. His and hers appointments for collections of blood and semen and measuring parts and such. Medical science being what it is, we got the answer to all our problems: 'You’re fine, and there shouldn’t be a problem.'

"Do doctors ever tell anybody...

"'This is what is wrong, and this is how to fix it,' and then give them pills, and they’re fine? This is not my experience. My experience is: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

"We didn’t get pregnant.

"So then came the hormones for Leah. Along with those hormones came the realization that little-to-none of this would be covered by insurance, and that the coverage rate would go down as we went deeper into the process. See, insurance companies look at getting pregnant a lot like getting sick. Why, they can’t imagine, would you try to get sick? Well, f*** you, insurance companies. That’s why.

"But we didn’t get pregnant.

"So maybe we’re bad at timing, or something, or god knows. Usually that’s fine, but we are in our late 30s, and clocks are ticking. The doctor told us that certain hormone levels were low, lower than they should have been, and that meant our egg supply was dwindling.

"Let me tell you something. There is nothing you can tell a woman that will make her feel more young, beautiful and vibrant than, 'You have a dwindling egg supply, and it is time to pick up the pace.' You should try it. Maybe at a bar.

"And that was when we began IUI, intrauterine insemination. IUI is – colloquially – the turkey baster method. When they told us about it, I tried to really hear what the doctor was saying, but all I could hear echoing around the room, off of the oyster-y pearlescent floors and the alien-vagina wallpaper, was 'dwindling.'

*Bersambung..............:)

Ramadhan Kareem

Alhamdulillah..Allah telah sampaikan kita semula di bulan barakah ini.

Bulan yang penuh dengan keampunanNya, maka rugi jika kita tidak ambil peluang memohon keampunan..Sesungguhnya keampunan dari Allah itu LUAAAAASS!!!*depakan tangan*

Berbahagialah ummat Islam sepanjang Ramadhan..setiap kebaikan dan amal yang kita buat, ganjarannya berganda-ganda-ganda-ganda...walaupun cuma seukir senyuman...

apatah lagi baca quran, solat, qiyamullail, etc..etc..etc..

dan menambah kesabaran dalam diri..especially us..TTC-ian kan..so jangan berhenti berharap dan tingkatkan smangat dan kesabaran!*wink2*

Alangkah beruntungnya! *mata bersinar-sinar*

Ramadhan kareem!!~

Nawaitu memiliki anak itu~

Assalamualaikum!

Alhamdulillah, 2nd appointment kat KKM went well. It was actually my CD2, an unplanned appointment.
Supposed after my 1st appointment, Doc prescribe me with Provera to induce my menses because my uterus seems thick.

And i mentioned in the previous post, Doc said I can consume whenever i want...after raya boleh, as soon as possible pun boleh. So lepas setel puasa ganti, ingat nak makan on 1st day puasa nanti. Tapi lepas Doc tanya previous 3 menses, seems my cycle is around every 2 months, dan kalau ikut sejak last menses, dalam bulan 6 ni memang akan menses. Tapi who knows..kacau bilau lagi ke. Tapi belum sempat makan lagi Provera tu, suddenly ada bleeding on Tuesday..so terus call doc, dia terus suruh datang esoknya which supposed to be CD2 untuk ambil darah. So, ambik darah la kita. And suami pun dapat appointment date untuk hantar cement untuk test kat lab. Tapi date tu dan result darah dua2 lepas raya...so we chill dulu.

Anyway..about the title. Nawaitu. Just wanna talk (as reminder to myself) nawaitu sebenar nak anak ni. It occurs to me few days lepas 1st appointment tu, doc tanya dah berapa lama kahwin..so I jawabla...2 and a half year..and she said.."ohhh baru la jugak lagi.."

(Actually i kindda hate that people always said like that..memang sebenarnya dia nak sooth kan perasaan kita..risau lamaaa kahwin tak dapat2 lagi anak kan. Tapi tu macam subjektif la. Katakan umur dah 32, tapi baru 2 tahun kahwin, nak kata macam tu jugak ke? Sedangkan perempuan kan, as we get older...the chances semakin menipis..because we have "expiry date" kan...so 2 tahun menanti tu kira lama la...get it? and me also, almost 30..takkan nak tunggu 10 tahun plak baru nak gelabah2 kan..tapi i just lupakan je)

Sebab lepas tu Doc cerita, dia sendiri tunggu 8 tahun baru dapat sorang, and sorang tu je la anak dia. Perempuan. now kat Jordan..Alhamdulillah. Seorang pun, menjadi yang solehah penting. Dan Doc pun cerita macam mana keluarga mertua (pantai timur people) tu dia la yang banyak dia makan hati sebab mulut directttt je tanya dulu2. sampai ada yang tanya "mandul ke?" depan2 dia..ehh..tak ke sakit. Tapi doc ni tabah je, suami dia pun tabah je. Nangis juga...we understand.

Then dia cerita banyak kali dia doa, bagi la zuriat sebab dah tak tahan dengan tohmah orang. Yelah..bila kita dah down macam tu..emosi tunggang langgang gitu..macam2 kita fikir dan kita akan buat apa sahaja nak dapatkan.

Which i come to my point..nawaitu. Terfikir cerita doc tu, sebab tak tahan, sampai terkeluar mulut, nak ada anak supaya orang tak tanya dah..Kadang2 sebab orang keliling, boleh jadi nawaitu kita nak anak tu adalah "supaya orang diam" , "orang tak tanya dah"..which more to please others.
Nah! aku dah ada anak dah...puas dah? nak tanya lagi?

But..people do ask! different one!
Sorang je?
Bila nak ada lelaki/perempuan pulak?
Dia nak adik jugak....

Huk aloh...maka kita akan kembali sedih, sebab...belum ada, ditanya2..dah ada..tanya jugak!

Itulah yang antara maksud dalam hadith Niat, dalam hadith 40 tu kan.

” Dari Amirul Mukminin Umar Al-Khattab r.a katanya : ” Aku mendengar Rasulullah SAW bersabda : – ‘ Sesungguhnya setiap amalan perbuatan adalah dinilai mengikut niat. Setiap orang dinilai dengan niatnya. Sesiapa yang berhijrah kepada Allah dan Rasulnya maka hijrahnya dinilai mengikut niatnya menuju kepada Allah dan Rasulnya. Sesiapa yang berhijrah untuk mendapatkan dunia atau wanita untuk dikahwininya maka hijrahnya dinilai mengikut tujuan hijrah itu.” (Riwayat al-Bukhari dan Muslim)” 

Hujung hadith tu dia cerita kisah sahabat yang berhijrah sebab nak kahwin dengan seorang perempuan, maka Nabi Muhammad sebut ganjaran hijrah dia cuma perkahwinan itu, itu lah nilainya. 
Means, apa yang kita niatkan, itu je lah nilai yang kita dapat. 

Samalah dalam isu nak anak ni. Sebab saya terfikir-fikir sampai bila kita nak puaskan manusia sekeliling dengan pencapaian kita. Sebab memang tak akan berjaya! Maka kalau kita nak anak, sebab nak:
1) Buktikan kita subur
2) bagi cucu kat mak ayah dan mertua
3) dianggap pelengkap keluarga
4) penat dah orang dok tanya
5) malu sedih
6) etc
7) etc....

The list continues, but it will never end, and we will keep doing things because of human, it will never stop and we will get even more tired and sad. Don't we? Apa kita dapat kan? 
Dah dapat anak, means kita subur, then what?
Mak ayah mertua dah dapat cucu..then what?
Family dah lengkap..then what?
Orang dah tak tanya bila, orang tanya lain pulak..then what?
Anak dah ada, tak sedih tak malu dah..then what?

Itulah pentingnya niat. Dan setiap anak tu berhak di kehendaki kehadiran nya macam my previous post, 
Wanted.Planned.Intended. Maka kehendak yang lebih besar bila kita niatkan Lillahita'ala. 

Kerana Allah tu Maha Pencipta, kita menerima segala rezeki kita ada.
Kerana Allah tu Maha Berkuasa, kita menerima ujian yang kita dapat.
Kerana Allah tu Maha Pengasih, kita terima ujian sebagai tanda kasih-Nya
Kerana Allah tu Maha Penyantun, kita lembutkan hati menerima santunan-Nya yang berhikmah.
Kerana Allah tu Maha Penyayang, kita jangan sedih (selalu sangat2) dengan ujian2 Nya
Kerana Allah tu Maha Mengetahui, segala aturan hidup kita Dia tahu, kita explore dengan hati terbuka
Kerana Allah tu Maha Pemurah, segala apa yang kita ada hadiah dari Dia, jangan hanya pandang yang tiada.

Teruskan usaha TTC tu, niat kan setiap langkah ke klinik dan sebagainya Lillahita'ala, insyaAllah pahala setiap kesabaran kita tu janji Allah.

Lagi di uji, lagi bertambah sabar, lagi bertambah pahala.

Bila dah dapat anak, yang diniatkan Lillahita'ala bila kita terima nya, insyaAllah Allah akan mudahkan kita menjaganya, mendidiknya, membesarkannya..Allah kan baik? Niat yang baik2 Lillahita'ala..

Senyum
*dah kenapa tulisan kat atas2 ni...dah edit pun still stay like that...give up..haih*

KK 1st Appointment

So the consultation went well.

Doc just took my history of menses from the past 3 cycles I've had, which it was turn out every 2 months..

Then doc buat scan sekejap (which masa ni macam berangan sangat2 scan baby..haha), and she said that my uterus wall quite thick, macam akan period soon. Tapi baru je last 2 weeks ada period walaupun sikit yg amat....

Frankly said cannot remember much what she said, so she just prescribed me Provera 5mg untuk induce period tu.

Cuma dia kata, terpulang la nak makan bila, since period baru lagi, tak sampai 2 month (kalau ikut history).

Lepas makan 5 hari berturut, bila period keluar then i need to roger her.

The thing is..bila nak makan? haha. Lagi pun puasa dah nak dekat. And sekarang tengah nak menghabiskan sisa-sisa puasa ganti berbaki.

Maybe dah habis ganti baru makan, tak kisah la dah dekat puasa.. asalkan InsyaAllah dapat aturkan period dengan baik....dan dipermudahkan urusan seterusnya...

Bak kata suami, period pun rezeki juga~

I wonder how other TTC-ian keep track your medical treatment record?

Saya ambil inspirasi mak, masa dia undergo cancer treatment back in 2011, dia ada note book besar A4 tu, segala note doc: ubat prescribed, diagnosis, progress, result test, result ubat..everything la..doc akan jot down dalam buku tu. Any papers yang tunjuk perkembangan mak which i cannot read pun all the medical terms, mak dan doc akan tampal dalam buku tu....mak pun akan tulis daily routine especially ubat, heart rate and any simptoms yang dia dapat in between check ups...so doc boleh tengok previous notes progress or anything from there. In one book (rasa dah 2 buku jugak kot)

Just wanna do the same since I expect this treatment will take several appointments and test and everything. Ubat2 apa yang dapat, rekod kan termasuk bila consume and any progress later on Tampal kad case sheet tu accordingly ikut urutan appointment so tak bersepah and stay in sequence,,.
Memudahkan doc untuk membantu kita I think.....:)

Maybe others also do the same, kalau tak macam mana uolls boleh track all the things uolls wrote in your blogs rite..? hihi.

15 May 2016

Bismillah

Finally I put myself together and gain my guts to see a Doctor.
Memang plan nak pergi semalam (15/5/2016) since Sabtu my kindy buat sukan, so Ahad cuti peristiwa..

So dah plan lamaaaa nak pergi on this date, since kindy ikut cuti Jumaat-Sabtu macam gomen, jadi memang susah nak cari masa pergi KK
Bukan taknak amik cuti, tapi cuti dah tinggal sikit sebab Mac hari tu dah banyak pakai pegi vacation. Haha.

And I do expect that following this treatment memang banyak akan amik cuti..lama2 cuti habis, kena unpaid leave. Gaji dah la ciput amat. Cikgu tadika...what do u expect kan. Bila nanti kena unpaid leave, bape banyak je la gaji tinggal.

*nak baby ke tak ni, cuti pun berkira*

Bukan berkira, tapi selagi boleh plan cuti baik2, I need to plan la. Isi perut pun mau kena jaga maaa~

Well anyway, dah set cantik dengan hubs, and dah call pun doc ni. By the way memang nak jumpa doc ni sebab macam selesa dengan dia, kenal dia dah lama luar dari suasana kedoktoran and in fact, i called her Makcik. She also call herself makcik la with me.

Suddenly that night rupanya ada match JDTvs PKNS. dan dah ada ura-ura si sultan ni nak bagi cuti peristiwa kat Johor kalau JDT menang.

Aduyai, kalau tak sebab dah plan ni, i memang sokong JDT habis-habisan *kohkohkoh* *tiputipu*
Tapi kalau tak kerana kindy pun cuti peristiwa sukan, i bet kalau JDT menang pun, boss tak bagi cuti. Entah pape. Cikgu2 lain ada bagitau yang tahun lepas pun, bila Sultan bagi cuti peristiwa kat Johor bila JDT menang, boss kindy tak bagi cuti sebab *alasan* cuti kindy ikut HQ kat KL. *entah ape2. habis tu apesal cuti KL lain tak ikut cuti?* So saya cuma menyelami perasaan cikgu2 ni sebab last year still kerja kat tempat lama, and boss lama bagi cuti. *kihkihkih*

So Alhamdulillah la kat cikgu2 ni sebab cuti sukan, kalau tak memang kerja la semalam

Aaaanyway, divert too much....I was looking forward for yesterday, since kindy akan cuti, and KK for sure bukak. So jimat la cuti. Sekali bila malam tu baca FB Johor dapat cuti, ya Rabbi...nangis2 di buatnya. *apesal nangis entah*
Tapi lebih kepada geram, sebab kita dah plan kan. *Allah lah pengatur terbaik*
Ye baikkk
But i slept with frustration. Sebab macam blank. Semangat nak mula treatment dah ada, sekali ada aral pulak. I jadi down sangat, sebab point utama nak start ni nak dapat referral letter KK untuk jumpa specialist kat HSA. So dah set dengan doc ni nak amik blood test and get referral letter.

Oh I already mentioned to doc that my menses are irregular, so it is very hard for me to determine my CD1. Memang takkan sama lah dengan prediction dalam apps, ada apps cuma untuk rekodkan apa2 yang perlu je.

Sometime i bleed tak kira masa, let say this week 2 hari..then bersih. Kemudia next week ada bleed lagi 2 hari..kemudia bersih. Then next week ada spotting sampai 5-7 hari macam period menses biasa. So which one is my CD1? macam mana nak pergi amik blood test on CD2 macam tu kan?

Dan asalnya plan nak ke LPPKN. Hubs yang suggest sebab kalau pergi KK ni, almaklumlah tempoh menunggunya azab. Ke LPPKN ni cuma kena sacrifice money la. So a week before yesterda, I bleed dengan banyak a day after intercourse, so ingat nak ke LPPKN the next morning. I called them and explain my irregular menses, but the refuse for me to come because they said their service only for infertility treatment, but for irregular menses, diorang tak treat.
*sobs but selamat duit for now*

So back to KK story, malam tu dapat tahu gomen dapat cuti, i was sooo frust. But the next morning decide dengan hubs, kita lalu je kat depan KK tu..kot-kot laaaaaaa diorang exclude themselves *berangan but hoping* lagi pun dekat dataran JB ada karnival apa entah, tapi ada medical checkup jugak, Doc tu ada bagi sebaran ada booth medical kalau nak buat blood test for all screening. So kalau KK tutup, ingat nak jalan kat dataran je.

Lagi pun kalau Doc takde kat KK, manalah tahu dia bertugas pulak kat booth tu. Manalaaah tahu.

Tapi Alhamdulillah..Alhamdulillah. Baru keluar kereta, dan baru bukak data hp, mesej2 wassap terus masuk. Rupanya Doc tu ada wassap, cakap dia ada di KK, cuma tak boleh buat blood test tapi boleh jumpa for consultant session.

I was like...terus semangat! Tak pe lah tak boleh amik darah, adalah reason tu. Tapi jumpa Doc pun dah sangat bagus. So I went there alone, hubs kerja *small private co, sukati dia nak follow cuti ke tak*. Kami breakfast dulu, sebab dah tak perlu blood test, so tak continue la puasa.

Rupanya KK tu bukak half day 8-11am. Kena la juga bukak sebab dah bagi appoinment date kan...tapi tak ramai pun. Pendaftaran until 10.30am je. Sempat jeling jam tangan, pukul 10 masa tengah beratur ambil nombor. Alhamdulillah, sempat. Orang kat kaunter bayar pun tak ramai, rasa smooth je.
Rezeki Alhamdulillah. Tunggu tak sampai sejam pun macam selalu.

Anyway..ni baru pasal decision nak pergi KK je. Consultationnya belum cerita lagi. *kahkahkah*

Next post lah.

Penat dah type.

Jom kita kuat sama-sama

Decided to go to LPPKN to eventually start....somewhere..
Mula nak pergi klinik kerajaan je, sebab 1st time start rasa terkejut2 nanti kena bayar gedebuk sekali.
Tapi suami kata klinik kerajaan ni ramai, buang masa tunggu lama...

Tapi bila call LPPKN, dia kata kena datang on 1st day period.
In which i explained my menses are irregular and haywire..
Cannot even recognize when is the 1st day..

Tapi dia kata kalau macam tu kena jumpa gynea kat klinik/hospital dulu
Untuk treatment regularkan dulu menses.
Baru senang proceed kat LPPKN

Sebab LPPKN cuma rawatan kesuburan.
Bukan masalah menses.

*sigh*

So we decided tak pergi mana2 pun hari ni.
Sebab nak ke klinik kerajaan, dah pukul 8 lebih
Konfem2 dapat jumpa doc pun dekat pukul 10 nanti.

Ahad ni ofis cuti peristiwa.
Boleh laaa....

Bak kata suami

"Jom kita kuat sama-sama"

Thanks hubs~

Ding dong~

Emosi macam roller coaster lately

Banyak pulak post2 kat FB yang tayang dah perggy....dah bersalin...

well of course it is their rights to post anything....everything...

it is their **** wall~

Kita cakap2 kang...orang kata busuk hati la, dengki la...haha..typical malay~

That is why I am mad..

I am mad at myself....

because allowing myself to read those things...

Of course la bukan stalking......*mostly*

They just happened to be there....while scrolling...

I am not happy for them...??

I do not know.

Jeles....?

I am. I'm not going to deny it.

Emm..

Just read one blog telling her journey in TTC

Hardship. that's all a can summarize

Sampai rasa nak vomit membayangkan.

Wondering do I also need to undergo such process.

While in the mean time hadap soalan2 orang yang tak pernah nak faham.

Semoga Miss Orked terus tabah. Doakan ketabahan saya juga~

Wanted. Planned. Intended

Agak dah lama juga orang tak tanya direct bila nak dapat cahaya mata.

One incident that really annoy me...masa tu pergi kenduri kawan di JB ni. My mind and mood was soooo good that day. Makan kenduri kaaann...

Then masa tu tengah duduk-duduk bawah khemah...borak dengan husband..suddenly this one lady came sat right in front of me...my husband was sitting behind me..

I honestly do not know her at all. Not at all. Never met her. Turn out she was my husband's ustazah during his secondary school if I'm not mistaken. And then suddenly without any salam..

"Dah ada baby ke...?"

I was stunned. I was like...hello...siapa kaaauuu....dah la tak kenal..salam takde tiba-tiba muncul depan muka tanya main ikut sedaaaap je...

Then my husband asnwered her la with usual answers..

She just..."hmmm.insyaAllah ada la tu..." and then...she went away....just like that...

Cis..tak ada modal sangat la kan kau nak berborak dengan anak murid kau..tapi manners tak ada..
And my husband pun cerita la ustazah dia tu memang kepoh macam tu je...

But i was hurt la...tak teruk meraung pun..but still...

Then yesterday, there is one teacher at my kindergarten where I work now, is her last day before she went for maternity leave. She is younger than me, and only got married around last year. I do not know when, because I only start working here this January.

She was nice. Biasa-biasa aja..

But yesterday, during lunch..I was just about to put some lauk in my plate, suddenly she asked

"Akak bila lagi...."
"Bila apa.." I was suspect that question but just ask, in case tersalah dengar
"Bila lagi nak menimang cahaya mataaaa"

You know, soalan simple je..tapi bila orang tanya direct, takde sensitivity ni kan..I memang pantang sikit lah...

Terus jawab
"Kalau yang awak tanya ni Tuhan, boleh laaa akak jawab..."
Then she continued..
"Akak merancang ke..?" Gila laa direct soalan kau dik..depan teachers lain pulak tu..
I answered
"Eh of course laaa kena rancang.."
Then she kinda shock, because eventually (malas dah nak type dialog) for her, merancang kehamilan is at first, kau tak nak anak, so kau makan pil perancang untuk taknak anak lagi, kemudian2 baru nak.

For me, that is sooo narrow minded kind of definition of merancang kehamilan.

Saya pernah pergi 1 kuliah oleh Dr.Harlina Siraj,,dia kata setiap kehamilan perlu dirancang.Well planned Sebab nak membawa seorang manusia, mendidik dan menjaga anak ni, perlu kepada perancangan. Bukan main harunggg je. Anak berderet rapat-rapat, susu makan minum kesihatan entah ke mana..

Yes, memang ada bunting pelamin la, eksiden2 terbabas2 laa..tu rezeki. Tapi kita punya sedikit kudrat untuk merancang aturan hidup kita.

Dan antara yang termasuk dalam merancang kehamilan adalah
- berapa orang nak
- selang berapa tahun
- kesihatan sebelum, semasa dan selepas kehamilan
- kesihatan suami isteri
- makanan dan minuman
- rawatan
- tempat pemeriksaan
- kewangan
- kesihatan anak sebelum dan selepas lahir
dan sebagainya...

itukan termasuk dalam merancang kehamilan. Bukan makan pil perancang aje maksud merancang kehamilan

Sebab setiap anak yang lahir layak nya untuk di kehendaki, dirancang dan kita memang nak. Sebab ada ramai yang dapat anak tapi eksiden2 ni..lepas tu merungut anak ramai, rapat2, penat lah apa lah.

Wanted. Planned. Intended. Every kids deserve that. At least in MY opinion.

Dan saya serta TTC lain termasuk dalam golongan yang wajib merancang kehamilan kami. Segalanya perlu dirancang. Bila period, bila ovulate, bila cucuk sana sini, bila makan ubat.

Itulah perancang kehamilan kita. Semoga Allah bagi kekuatan untuk meneruskan ye.

Bila dah bagi jawapan falsafah sikit, terus borak ke lain and blah.....

Marilah praktis otak tu berfikir sedikit. Jadi bijak sedikit. Dan paling penting...sensitive la sikitttt,,,

Though my husband always said...biarkan..jangan layan takut nanti lama-lama cara kita jawab jadi rude pada orang....and jangan sampai mudah melenting. Yes benda tu sensitive.....

I'm still searching for the calmness way to face it...Sebab memang, kalau I dah melenting, i tend to be rude.

Lantak la kau dik. Selamat lah bersalin nanti~

New Job for 2016

Bismillah

Assalamualaikum..

Tertinggal lama blog nak update. Been quite busy. Actually dah seminggu since 2 January kerja di tempat baru.

D tukar kerjaaaaaa tadika pulak! Hehe..
Biarlah rahsia tadika mana..haha.

Alhamdulillah, D rasa tahun 2016 D kena buat perubahan. Setahun lepas D kerja di pejabat setiausaha.
Gaji for a start, quite ok la. Sementara belum ada anak, memang ok la.

But i was suffering there. Tak tahu la nak kata macam mana. Workload boleh tahan banyak, kejap kena buat minit meeting or any secretarial things..kejap lagi kena handle finances, invoices la ape la..and i was soooo stress kat sana..

Kesimpulannya memang tak happy! I was a chatty person, happy go lucky and mudah mesra..tapi kat sana..i was soo quiet . And I do not like myself being so quiet..boleh dikatakan kat ofis lama, i have no friends..yes we talk to each other, but only during lunch hour. And it was only 6-7 of us! bukan 50 orang pun...they are nice, but not really a friendly people..I usually after a week of two, I can easily blend with people. But with them, I just cannot blend in. Everyone are so preoccupied.

. .Setahun D tak rasa happy kerja sana. Almost everyday i dreaded of going to work every morning. Every single day! Ada sekali tu almost a week hari2 balik, nangis kat hubby kata nak resign.Then i know i will not stay for a long time.

Kalau dah tak happy, nak buat apa kerja pun tak jalan. huhu...

So i guess it is not my kind of nature there. Hari2 rasa pergi kerja memang tak ikhlas. Dah sangat terasa la ketiadaan berkat kerja kat sana..haha. Tengok muka bos pun tak lalu, stress je kalau dia masuk ofis. haha..

Actually masuk kerja bulan 2, bila dah bulan 6 macam tu D dah rasa give up..bulan 7 sebenarnya nekad nak resign, tapi masa tu tak ada kerja baru yang menanti. Hari-hari bukak jobstreet. Apply dah banyak, tapi berlalu sahaja bagai angin lalu tanpa apa-apa. Masa tu pun hubby baru nak dapat kerja baru, so memikirkan income, D bertahan je.

Sampai la lepas 2 months dia dah kerja dan agak stabil, D betul2 dah tak tahan, so I just ask my current boss if there any vacancy at her kindergarten. And I know how little the salary she offered, but D tawakkal..D nekad.

I need to gain back my sense and happiness.

Ceh drama.

Bila fikir2 balik...memang teringat masa tengah sangat down, D hari-hari dalam solat, doa supaya Allah buka jalan untuk D, untuk D berhenti dari tempat lama, tapi masa tu tak ada kerja baru lagi. D cuma doa doa doa...supaya Allah buka lah apa2 jalan pun...walaupun D tak tahu bila Allah akan kabulkan doa tu

Dan Alhamdulillah..sangat terasa sekarang, dapat kerja di kindergarten ni lah, doa D yang Allah kabulkan. Memang teringat sangat sangat pengharapan dari Allah untuk kerja yang baru.

I cannot complain much on the salary. D redha. D cuma harap D boleh capai bahagia dan redha Allah juga, datang kerja happy dan ikhlas..

Bahagia tau juga tengok anak-anak tadika ni. Nakal tu jangan cakaplah...memang ada yang buat boiling point tu hari-hari capai tahap tinggi..tapi buat-buat tak nampak dan tengok je lah muka-muka yang comel tu...muka-muka yang tak de lah comel tapi penyejuk hati dengan perangai baik pun cukup Alhamdulillah....

Kadang-kadang boleh tersenyum sendiri tengok diorang bahagiaaa je main lari-lari jerit-jerit, even bingit tapi D buang tepi la bising tu, just tengokkk je muka diorang ketawa and happy masa main.....memang boleh senyum sendiri....

huhu..nanti la cerita lagi pasal kerja kat sini...macam-macam, teacher nye pun sama..haha