"It’s very difficult to think about, even now.
"I don’t think I’m doing a good job of describing it. I don’t want to dwell on it. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t think it was until around the New Year that I went a day without crying about it.
"But, you know, you pass the car accident and it’s in the rear view, getting further away, and sometimes you don’t even see it anymore. Maybe you’ve told yourself enough times that 'at least we know we can get pregnant' and 'this just means that something was wrong and it’s a good thing.' Maybe you even believe it.
"Just to let you know how strong Leah is, she still made the Dean’s List that semester, and she was carrying 18 credit hours. I dropped out of college for the dumbest reasons in my time - once because I got mugged - but she persevered. Like Britney, b****.
"We started back at the fertility process too soon...
"...in a dumb burst of optimism and courage, and the desire to move forward. The hormone treatments were too much for Leah. And the lack of success was too much for the both of us. So we stopped. Our doctor told me, privately, that we need to take care of ourselves, but that, if we want to have a baby, we either need to move forward now, or start discussing Next Steps.
"Remember: Dwindling.
"We tried a couple more times, one of which felt good – we thought we had it – and were told that if this one doesn’t take, that we would need to increase hormone treatments substantially and begin planning for options outside of IUI. In Vitro, surrogacy, or something else.
"The doctor also told us, during one IUI, that while Donald Trump scares him, his wife loves Trump because of the Mexican wall thing. They are both immigrants. His problem with the wall was that it would be impossible to pay for it. I don’t know. Doctors tell you some crazy s*** while they’re inseminating your wife.
"Through this process, and through both of our lives...
"...neither of us have ever had a home pregnancy test come out positive. Even when we were pregnant before, it was the doctor who did a test. This last one, Leah couldn’t bear to look at it herself, so I looked at it while she was in the shower, and told her no, that it was negative.
"While she stood there, crying, I googled 'pregnancy test faint line.' As it turns out, even the faintest f****** line in the whole f****** world means you’re pregnant. So we’re pregnant.
"We’re pregnant.
"Not that we believed it at first, but we are. Three scans later, I’ve even heard the heartbeat, like a hummingbird, and it’s beautiful.
"As I write this, tomorrow is our first obstetrician appointment, and we’re so nervous. So, so nervous. I wouldn’t dare to post this until we’re in the clear enough, and ready to tell people. Almost no one knows right now. We’re worried to jinx it, us, we, who don’t believe in jinxes. Mostly, we’re afraid of going back through the pain. To have to retract it, publicly, is too much to think about.
"I know plenty of people have gone through more than us.
"We are comparatively very lucky. Some people have never gotten pregnant. Some people could not go as far as us. Some people have taken many Next Steps beyond where we were. Some have been successful, but many haven’t. I hesitate to share this because I don’t want anyone to read this and feel what we felt, watching others’ dreams come true.
"Some people have found out, or have guessed, and have been very kind to share their own stories with us, and it has helped tremendously to not feel alone. Many thanks to all of them. I hope that maybe this helps someone else feel less alone.
"And I hope that everything goes well, and I can inundate you with pictures, starting in November.
…
"Everything went well. Arms and legs and moving around. We’re very excited, but I’ll be holding my breath for 26ish weeks.
"And it’s a girl. Not that gender matters! But we’re going to have a little girl! And I am stoked. We are stoked.
"We are pregnant."
-end-********************************************************************************************************
As far as for me...it has not even started yet. Just about to open the door. May Allah ease~
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