Dan Majesky's Story ~ Final part

"It’s very difficult to think about, even now. 

"I don’t think I’m doing a good job of describing it. I don’t want to dwell on it. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t think it was until around the New Year that I went a day without crying about it.

"But, you know, you pass the car accident and it’s in the rear view, getting further away, and sometimes you don’t even see it anymore. Maybe you’ve told yourself enough times that 'at least we know we can get pregnant' and 'this just means that something was wrong and it’s a good thing.' Maybe you even believe it.

"Just to let you know how strong Leah is, she still made the Dean’s List that semester, and she was carrying 18 credit hours. I dropped out of college for the dumbest reasons in my time - once because I got mugged - but she persevered. Like Britney, b****.

"We started back at the fertility process too soon... 

"...in a dumb burst of optimism and courage, and the desire to move forward. The hormone treatments were too much for Leah. And the lack of success was too much for the both of us. So we stopped. Our doctor told me, privately, that we need to take care of ourselves, but that, if we want to have a baby, we either need to move forward now, or start discussing Next Steps.

"Remember: Dwindling.

"We tried a couple more times, one of which felt good – we thought we had it – and were told that if this one doesn’t take, that we would need to increase hormone treatments substantially and begin planning for options outside of IUI. In Vitro, surrogacy, or something else.

"The doctor also told us, during one IUI, that while Donald Trump scares him, his wife loves Trump because of the Mexican wall thing. They are both immigrants. His problem with the wall was that it would be impossible to pay for it. I don’t know. Doctors tell you some crazy s*** while they’re inseminating your wife.

"Through this process, and through both of our lives... 

"...neither of us have ever had a home pregnancy test come out positive. Even when we were pregnant before, it was the doctor who did a test. This last one, Leah couldn’t bear to look at it herself, so I looked at it while she was in the shower, and told her no, that it was negative.

"While she stood there, crying, I googled 'pregnancy test faint line.' As it turns out, even the faintest f****** line in the whole f****** world means you’re pregnant. So we’re pregnant.

"We’re pregnant.

"Not that we believed it at first, but we are. Three scans later, I’ve even heard the heartbeat, like a hummingbird, and it’s beautiful.

"As I write this, tomorrow is our first obstetrician appointment, and we’re so nervous. So, so nervous. I wouldn’t dare to post this until we’re in the clear enough, and ready to tell people. Almost no one knows right now. We’re worried to jinx it, us, we, who don’t believe in jinxes. Mostly, we’re afraid of going back through the pain. To have to retract it, publicly, is too much to think about.

"I know plenty of people have gone through more than us. 

"We are comparatively very lucky. Some people have never gotten pregnant. Some people could not go as far as us. Some people have taken many Next Steps beyond where we were. Some have been successful, but many haven’t. I hesitate to share this because I don’t want anyone to read this and feel what we felt, watching others’ dreams come true.

"Some people have found out, or have guessed, and have been very kind to share their own stories with us, and it has helped tremendously to not feel alone. Many thanks to all of them. I hope that maybe this helps someone else feel less alone.

"And I hope that everything goes well, and I can inundate you with pictures, starting in November.

…

"Everything went well. Arms and legs and moving around. We’re very excited, but I’ll be holding my breath for 26ish weeks.

"And it’s a girl. Not that gender matters! But we’re going to have a little girl! And I am stoked. We are stoked.

"We are pregnant."

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Their journey has just begun. 

As far as for me...it has not even started yet. Just about to open the door. May Allah ease~

Nightmare

Baru teringat...2 malam lepas ada mimpi..

Ada appoitment kat klinik untuk dapat result blood test

(oh by the way..ada 2x blood test dah buat sebelum puasa and masa puasa hari tu..untuk D2 and D21..baru ni sampai date appointment yang doc bagi, tapi baru result D2 keluar..D21 belum..plus hubby pun belum buat test semen..so doc nak tunggu at least D21 punya result siap, baru explain and refer specialist...)

so dalam mimpi tu macam tiba lah hari dapat result..and...and..

Doc sahkan i have endometriosis!

Menangis-nangis dalam mimpi tu..doc siap peluk2 pujuk "its ok..its ok"..tapi nangis sebab takut kot..
Sebab dah baca banyak, ada yang endo sampai operate2...fikir duit mana nak cari..plus i have history of surgery, scar surgery tu naik killoid which i hate very-very much...

Huwaaaa...takut!

Then terjaga, terus teringat..terus zikir2 nauzubillah semua bagai...moga dijauhkan laaa yang buruk2 yang menyulitkan...

ya ya sounds funny and childish...but nightmare la jugak~

Semoga Allah mempermudahkan usaha~

Not All People Feel Our Pain

Esok dah 1 Syawal

Alhamdulillah Ramadhan berlalu dengan baik..Semoga Allah menerima amalan2 kita sepanjang Ramadhan
Tahun ni raya di KL..KL lah kampungku...

Lately banyak kat FB keluar pesan-pesan masyarakat, bila raya berkumpul sanak saudara ni, elak-elak kan laa bertanya soalan-soalan sensitif tu kan. Dan for me, soalan anak tu memang akan dijangka, cuma tak tahu dari siapa dan bagaimana tone serta olahan soalan tu. Akan berbunyi berhati-hati ke, atau main bedal tak pikir orang ke...Manusia bermacam ragam..

I do not really mind actually with those scenarios..cuma memang berazam akan kuatkan hati muka cool je la menjawab. Of course la I also did not agree with some "answer scheme" yang orang bagi yang kebanyakannya macam bunyi biadap pun ada

Tanya makcik kau yang sibuk2 tanya tu bila nak mati.....in reality, kau mampu nak tanya sebenarnya?
Hahaha

But it is still a sensitive question, and i know some of them bertanya sabit nak ajak borak je, tak tahu nak update apa...sudahnya itu je la soalan pusing2..

Cuma hati ni seidkit panas..bila ada je yang kondem kita yang over-sensitive kononnya ni...terlebih buruk sangka lah..."ape jadah nak sentap..??"..narrow minded pun ada dikatanya..

For me..KAU TAK RASA, KAU TAK TAHU..so you have no rights nak kata golongan2 yang diajukan soalan sensitive ni over-over nak sensitive,,

Mostly yang cakap macam tu...belum kahwin pun lagi...atau yang baru kahwin, tak merasa perit di aju soalan2 direct depan2 tak berlapik like my experience here. Kahwin 1st anniversary dah sambut bertiga.

No. you do not feel the pain.

I've been through soalan2 bila nak kahwin dulu. Most of it malu je, tak berapa nak sedih sakit hati..sebab plan nak kahwin tu boleh kontrol..bila-bila nak kau kawen je, cukup duit, ada calon, kawen. Tak de calon, orang boleh carikan. Mak bapak boleh arrange kan. Tak cukup duit, mak bapak boleh tanggung2 kan. Ada pengapit2 nak uruskan jadi runner ambil baju kawen, pelamin etc etc.

But babies..no. Kau tak subur, kau tak boleh nak surrogate kan kat orang lain. Haram. Kau tak ada duit nak buat treatment, takkan kau nak buat pinjaman mak bapak. Telur tak cukup matang, kau nak amik telur siapa. Rahim tak kuat, kau nak pinjam rahim sapa jadi runner. Everything is on your own. Kena usaha sendiri. Diam-diam, Takkan nak kepoh kau buat treatment.

So bila orang asyik tanya dan tanya walaupun sabit nak berborak..tapi yang datang dalam kepala otak kau -- segala moment2 check up, tunggu berjam appointment, ambil darah, cucuk sana sini, telan ubat itu ini, pap smear, scan dalam yang buat kau senak, duit-duit yang dah keluar, tangis-tangisan setiap kali IUI fail, menses datang, gambar2 perut2 kawan2 kau upload....

Itu yang bermain di otak..yet...we have to take our breath and say..."InsyaAllah ada rezeki nanti adalah..."

Senyum pahit, Muka cool.

Tapi jiwa berombak.

Itu je kemampuan nak cakap while we flashback all the hardship yet people will never ever understand unless they have been gone through the same pain.

So yeah, we deserve to be spare such insensitive question. Lets talk politic issues...shall we?

Or kepala otak tu benak sangat nak fikir benda besar-besar hal dunia?


Arghhh..esok nak raya kot!

Dan Majesky Ep 4 - husband do have feelings....

So lets us continue to read the honest yet painful story by Dan Majesky. I was so touch when the first time i read it, that it become so close to it and sooo emotional. Not saying that I also went through the same story like him and his wife, I just found that I understand the feeling, and I do not want to lose the connection of feelings towards it. Because it teaches me how to be strong but at the same time, it is ok to have some breakdowns, even for a husband.

And to remember that, the husbands also feel the same as us the wives. And it is truly grateful to read it from the heart of a man, so I will try to connect with my husband emotionally, and understand that if I feel sad, he is even sadder and if I feel happy..he will be double happier than me.
Because good husband do become like that. So let us appreciate the feelings of the husband..:)

*********************************************************************************

"And then you freak out because, to be honest... 

"...you talked yourself out of real hope months and months ago, but now you have to get ready for a baby.

"Some weeks later, you go in for an ultrasound, and there it is. I mean, yeah, it’s a tadpole with a giant head. There’s its brain, and there’s its heart fluttering away, and it’s so real.

"And you relax.

"We’re in our late thirties, which means that the chances are higher than average that a pregnancy won’t be viable, or there will be a chromosomal abnormality, or something along those lines. We spent a lot of time tiptoeing around that idea, but we talked about it. And about not getting too excited. You know, the higher you let your hopes up, the further they have to fall.

"But they told us to relax. Everything looked great and we were on track, so when we went in for one final scan before being released to our obstetrician a couple weeks later, we were all smiles and jokes.

"'I’m so sorry. I can’t find the heartbeat.'

"And then you’re not pregnant.

"I’ve felt time stop before. Car accidents, falling off a fence, a mountain bike jump gone wrong. I have not felt the vertigo of infinity like when we were told our baby was dead.

"I’m logical. I understand science and biology. I know it was a fetus, not a baby. But it was my baby. In my head, in my heart, I could already imagine being old as it grew into an adult and had its own children, and – woosh – it was all gone.

"As I write this, the due date is a little over a week away, like a car accident on the road ahead that you’re trying not to look at, that you have to drive by.

"The world isn’t going to stop. We all get up and go to work. Because it happens. People lose babies all the time.

"Miscarriage.

"But no one talks about it. No one gets on Facebook and tells their friends. It’s specifically why you wait to tell anyone.

"But then you have no one to tell. When a family member dies, you can share your grief. With a miscarriage, you would have to tell people that someone who will never be born, who they had never heard of and will never meet, but who meant the world to you, is gone. And you don’t have the strength to get into it. You tell your parents, maybe a close friend, maybe your boss.

"I was so stunned when it happened that I texted my boss that I wouldn’t be back that day, but that I’d be back the next, which really cracks me up now. I didn’t even get how I was about to be affected.

"Leah was scheduled for a D&C, dilation and curettage...

"...under general anesthesia at Christ Hospital right away, so she wouldn’t have to go through the trauma of slowly passing the fetal tissue over the course of a week. It wasn’t until they took her back that I let myself break down. Alone with my worst thoughts and the sour coffee of the waiting room for several hours. God, I have no idea how long. One more forever.

"The people at the hospital were excellent. We got a lot of information about support groups that we never went to, but we should have. We just wanted to hide.

"I’m thankful for our families and our friends, who came to sit with us. Who brought Lea the things she needed, and let me get out of the house to walk around the neighborhood. I must have looked like a zombie."

Words~

Found this luahan perasaan di Facebook. Memang dah banyak sebenarnya luahan macam ni kita baca. Bukan bermaksud merungut...Bukan minta simpati..Nak minta difahami pun, bukan semua orang keliling tercapai akal nak faham (maksudnya dapat hidayah nak faham, bukan bengap nak faham..)

Doa untuk aku, kau, kita dan mereka~

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[ YE, KAMI BELUM ADA ANAK SENDIRI..... ]

- Memang la boleh berbelanja lebih, tak ada anak lagi kan..
- Memang la rumah kemas jer, tak ada anak yg nak sepahkan..
- Memang la boleh cuti raya lama, tak ada anak sekolah kan..
- Memang la boleh pergi bercuti selalu, tak payah susah2 nak bawak anak kan..
- Memang la boleh gambar berdua sweet2, tak ada anak yg kacau kan..
- Memang la boleh pergi umrah awal, tak perlu fikir nak tinggalkan anak lama2 kan mana kan..

Sekarang ni Zana nak tanya,
"Salah ke kami suami isteri dapat rasa semua nikmat rezeki tu di saat perkahwinan kami diuji dengan ketiadaan anak? Atau awak rasa ada anak tu membataskan kehidupan awak?"

Jangan ingat yg tak ada anak ni semuanya boleh belanja mewah, kita tak tau belanja dan simpanan dia macam mana.. Kita tak tau apa perancangan hidup mereka.. Kita tak tau apa2 sebab kita orang luar.. Kita tak tau apa perasaan mereka setiap kali soalan "bila nak ada anak?" tu ditanya..

Kebanyakan pasangan yg masih menanti rezeki anak ni, sangatlah bahagia.. Diberi rezeki utk lebih mengenal hati pasangan.. Sebab tu secara automatik kita akan nampak pasangan ni lebih mesra sebab memang rutin seharian mereka semuanya dilakukan berdua..

Sedih? Tipu kalau tak ada rasa sedih tu, tapi jarang sekali dan selalunya perasaan sedih tu sekejap sangat.. Selebihnya, mereka lebih suka memilih untuk teruskan kehidupan normal seperti biasa, berusaha, berdoa dan percaya dengan ketentuan rezeki drpd Allah..

Percaya tak hampir semua yg belum ada anak ni, bila diasak dengan soalan "bila nak ada anak" ni akan rasa lagi teruk sedihnya daripada rasa sedih menerima hakikat masih belum ada anak.. Sebab soalan2 tu la kebanyakan mereka jadi sayu hati, rajuk hati, menjauh diri dan rasa rendah diri..

Lagi sedih bila soalan tu ditanya di hadapan orang ramai.. Diusik seolah2 suami isteri ni berdosa berkahwin tanpa anak.. Diketawakan seolah2 pasangan ni serba kekurangan..

Maaf yer.. Zana bukan minta simpati, cuma minta kita semua sama2 belajar menghormati..

Hormati perasaan orang sekeliling kita.. Letakkan diri kita di tempat orang lain sebelum berkata sesuatu.. Bila kita cuba jaga hati dan air muka orang lain, insyaAllah Allah akan jaga hati, diri dan maruah kita..

Yang dah kahwin, bersyukur ada pasangan hidup.. Bayangkan kalau kita masih belum ada pasangan hidup.. Bayangkan kalau kita tiba2 kehilangan pasangan hidup..

Yang belum kahwin, bersyukur dan bersabar. Mungkin Allah nak bagi kita peluang lebih berbakti lama kepada ibu dan ayah..

Yang dah ada anak, bersyukur ada anak.. Anak adalah saham akhirat kita.. Betapa bertuahnya mempunyai anak yg mampu mendoakan kita setiap hari.. Bayangkan hidup kita kalau masih belum dikurniakan anak..

Yang belum ada anak, bersyukur Allah bagi nikmat rezeki bersabar.. Bayangkan jika kita ada anak, adakah hati kita boleh sesabar itu? Allah bagi peluang kita utk lebih meluangkan masa bersama insan yg sudi terima baik buruk diri kita.. Allah bagi kita masa lebih utk lebih dekat kepada-Nya..

Yakinlah Allah bagi apa yg kita perlu dan bukan apa yg kita mahu.. Kita merancang, tapi Allah sebaik-baik perancang.. Allah Maha Mengetahui sedangkan kita tidak..

Kita sebagai hamba-Nya memang selayaknya diuji.. Setiap di antara kita berbeza ujiannya.. Tapi percayalah yg Allah menguji sesuai dgn kemampuan diri kita..

Belajar menerima Qada dan Qadar Allah.. InsyaAllah semuanya akan jadi lebih indah..

Zana & Adiey,
Trying To Conceive (TTC) for 6 years.