The Painful Struggle by Dan Majesky - Ep 3

"Oh. And you are supposed to go in dry if you can help it. 

"Lubrication, as it turns out, can mess with the quality of the semen, which seems like a pretty big jerk move on the part of lubrication.

"But, yeah, I’ve got my routine down.

"When your sample has been washed and spun, or whatever it is they do with it, they put it in a paper bag that you carry over to the doctor’s office for the procedure. We long-timers can always tell the new couples. Their discomfort and optimism is cute. They smile and look around on their walk, hoping no one notices the bag they have pinched in their fingertips.

"Me, I carry my paper bag like a sack lunch. The same turkey sandwich I’ve had every day for years. With hope, yes, but the skepticism of routine.

"The IUI itself is pretty quick, and from what I understand, painless, if not the normal amount of demeaning of going to an OB/GYN. You get one more ultrasound to make sure everything is in place, and then they pour the gravy all over the giblets.

"Sorry. I know. I’m hung up on turkey metaphors.

"And then we wait.

"You’re warned against taking pregnancy tests because they measure hormone levels, and after taking all sorts of weird s*** all month, you can trigger a false positive. So you wait. And there will be spotting. Is it spotting, or is her period starting? You don’t know. So you wait. And you wait.

"And you wait.

"And sometimes her period comes, and you start over. Step one.

"And sometimes it doesn’t come. But the second line doesn’t appear, or the plus, or the whatever these tests do.

"So you wait. And it’s negative, but you hope, and you see your friends getting pregnant, and you get a little sad. But you get mad at yourself because you want to feel happy for other people, and that’s not fair to them. And then the 17-year-old across the street gets pregnant, and you get a little sadder. And your cousins get pregnant, and you get a little sadder.

"And you see people scream at their kids... 

"...and beat them in Kroger, and you just want to die because you would give anything to have a child throwing a tantrum in the cereal aisle.

"You don’t want to hate people. You don’t. I think babies are beautiful. I think kids are awesome, but you can’t help the jealousy. The envy. The resentment. It really creeps up on you. And you search for positive things. And you talk on end about your capital-O Options.

"And then you see people on the internet post screeds about how dare anyone assume that they would want to have kids because not having kids is the best – which is fine, have at it or don’t have at it, I really don’t care – but we want to be procreating, and we want what you could have, but are choosing not to use.

"And we want to tell you, but people don’t talk about it. 

"Because you don’t want to talk about it.

"Because you spend all day thinking about it, managing it. Trying not to cry. Trying to not turn into HI and Ed from Raising Arizona, stealing babies in the night.

"And the doctors start talking about Next Steps, and the Next Steps are very expensive, so you try it one more time.

"And then, while you’re in Kansas on a road trip with a friend, your wife does the IUI with a frozen deposit you left behind.

"And you get pregnant.

"You go in for a blood test, two weeks later, and they tell you that you’re pregnant. And you cry. Big fat tears of relief..."

Again and again...

Towards certain level, i'm getting used to hear the news of friends getting pregnant before me though they were just married less than a year...or less than my time..

But truly i cannot lie to myself to keep thinking about it..there is a small space of emptiness in my heart every time I heard the news..

Most of my friends which I am not so close enough, I can just simply being jealous for a moment, and I forget about them..do not bother to say anything to them..If i read on the FB, i just can scroll awaaaaay...

But to those are so close..so dear to me..I cannot just simply forget them, scrolling away or left without saying anything to them..just the best I can do is, say something like..take care, berapa bulan or something yg simple and just divert to other issue..trying haaaardd to conceal my feelings..

I AM happy for them...I do...I do...I do....i...i think i do...

Tapi tu lah...dalam hati ni ada penyakit....cemburu tu memang tak boleh tipu ada...dalam gembira la jugak dengar berita dorang..dalam kadang2 muka ni buat tak tahu or buat coooooolll je kan...i know many of us yang dalam circle yang sama, can understand what is the true feeling..

But I always want to know the secret of my sister's skill of hiding the feeling for a complete 10 years..even me, her sister can't even detect if she feels down whenever my sister in law and my other sister (younger than her) got pregnant before her..and she loves our nephew and nieces so dearly, i can see in her face..

I guess her Sabar is soooo great that Allah bless her with a cute son..and now Allah wants me to gain pahala of Sabar like her..maybe her limit was when the year i got married, that was the year she got pregnant. Alhamdulillah..Allah's plan for her is soooo perfect.

Sabar for waiting my turn insyaAllah. I do not know what is Allah's plan for me on when and how can I get my baby..but as for now..I just continue my plan and my effort, as part of His plan too



Lets continue Dan Majesky's story again soon...~

Macam mana nak pujuk orang untuk ber-TTC?

Ini bukan tips ya.
Ini persoalan.
Hihi.

Alkisah ofismate ada adik yang da kahwin, tak sure berapa tahun..Ofismate ni, si kakak ni belum la kawen. Masalah si adik ni, belum dapat anak lagi.
Tapi pernah pregnant 3x, dan tiga-tiga tu gugur at early stage. So macam kes rahim tak kuat la..

Masalah si adik ni...dia taknak jumpa doc tau. Dia tahu dia pregnant pun bila dah gugur..haaa..boleh?
Tiba-tiba bleeding, pegi la klinik jugak rupanya dah gugur. Tapi taknak buat futher treatment pulak, find out what is wrong yang buat senang sangat gugur nye.....

Puas la si kakak dan family ni pujuk. pergi la jumpa doc. Tapi apa ntah la kepala batu (ni kakak dia cakap ehhh) si adik ni tak nak dengar. Degil. Takut kot. Tapi cuba la dengar sekali kan...

Then since ofismate2 ni tahu la I dah mula pergi klinik untuk permulaan usaha ni, bertanya laa si kakak ni pada I, apa yang buat I mula..dan apa yang doc buat..

So I just story je la about past 3 appointments, and the procedures yang dah buat...and apa yang I tahu sikit2 tentang TTC ni. Maybe si kakak pun nak tahu so ada la brief skit pasal jumpa2 doc ni tentang treatment ni.

Then semalam ada bagitahu tentang klinik LPPKN punya servis. Sebab dari cerita si kakak ni, adik dia ni tak ada masalah pun nak conceive. Bahagian suami setel kot sebab lekat dah 3x kan. And period pun macam teratur, easy to get pregnant, cuma maybe rahim tak kuat je.

Bukan macam I, cannot go for LPPKN terus sebab period tak teratur, LPPKN tak treat irragular menses. Tapi kalau teratur, senang je la buat appointment kan.

Tapi tadi si kakak mintak tolong, macam mana nak pujuk si adik jumpa doc..adeh laa..

I ni pun bukan lah dalam golongan yang suka jumpa doc. Sebab takut, elok2 je rasa tiba-tiba nanti ada la jumpa penyakit entah apa2, then blank nak rawat macam mana. Macam before kena bedah jantung tu, tak ada apa2 pun pegi check up biasa je....alih2 discover ada jantung berlubang (anyhow I thanked that doc for detecting it...haha)
Lagi-lagi bila baca blogs TTCian ni, macam-macam benda berkaitan kesuburan...PCOS la, cyst la..endo la..kena buat laparoscopy la..yang terbaru I learned..pasal Azoo...azoo ape ntah. Haha. Seram. Takut. Doa banyak2 tak kena pada diri ni dan suami kan...

So..how nak pecahkan belenggu orang yang degil taknak jumpa doc ni?Tak tahu apa nak cakap nak bagi idea pada si kakak nak memujuknya. Sebab kakak nya pun da geraaaamm nak pujuk. Huhu...prihatin sangat kakak nih.

Alih2, kata si kakak, adik dia ni nak ambil anak angkat pulak...which pada I, dia senang mengandung...da 3x kot lekatt..insyaAllah ada la peluang cerah tu kan..anak angkat tu lain cerita la tunggu laaa kan..

Em...macam mana eh....

The Painful Struggle by Dan Majesky- Ep 2

So, lets continue this honest story.....

"For Leah, we eventually figured out...  

"...this meant a regimen of hormone boosters to facilitate egg production. Are you aware of what happens to people when their hormones go out of the norm? They are not happy. Unless they are happy, in which case, they are very happy. There is no mild. There is no average day. Her job was to feel like her brain and soul were on fire.

"My job was to try and not say anything dumb, because she also needed to be calm. I tried to avoid triggering phrases like 'Hey,' or 'Good morning,' or 'I love you,' but I kept ****ing up, and opening my mouth, or allowing Leah to see TV programs, or commercials, to read books, and interact with the world in any way.

"The best was when someone would ask her when we were going to have kids. That was just the best.

"Then, after one or two ultrasounds to make sure eggs were there, and in their right places on their little follicles, I would give my needle-phobic wife a shot in her thigh to set ovulation in process. She says she’s not so much afraid of needles as she is afraid of being stuck by me with a needle, but same difference, right?

"Over time, I developed a method where she would look away...

"...close her eyes and cry, while crushing all the bones in my left hand, and I would count to three, and inject her with my right. I wouldn’t inject her on three. I tried to pick a random time. She usually didn’t even feel it.

"After all that romance, you would think that abstaining from sex for a few days would be hard, but you would be wrong. You might also think we should be having massive amounts of sex, but it turns out that you have to let your seminal stash build up for a few days before collection.

"Over the last couple years, I became pretty professional about my sperm deposits. My first one was a few paragraphs up, for testing. Man, is it ever weird. You can do it at home if you want, but then you are under a clock to get your sample to the lab on time. I don’t need that kind of stress.

"I don’t talk about it much, but I like to think I’m pretty good at taking care of business in the art of sperm production, but I had never entered a room designed specifically for masturbation, while people waited outside, hoping my masturbation went okay. Perhaps that is what Eddie Murphy’s life was like in Coming to America, but I was less familiar with it.

"The room was like a combination of a hotel room and an office. 

"It had a big picture of The Ohio State University football stadium, filled with fans, on the wall over a small vinyl sofa. There was a neatly folded sheet, fresh and crisp, hanging on the far armrest. A clock radio on the side table, tuned to local political talk radio, sputtering away beneath a low-lit lamp, was paired with a little wooden cube that had one tiny drawer, specifically made for storing your collection cup.

"Under the table were four or five magazines that I didn’t really want to touch. Usually two Playboys, a Penthouse, and a Swimsuit Issue. Across from the couch was a TV/DVD combo with a DVD preloaded. I didn’t want to touch the remote either, really. It sat on a wicker chest.

"Wicker struck me as the worst possible material for a room designed for male masturbation. Everybody’s aiming for the cup, I know, but I also know there have been enough accidents in that office that it required a laminated sign about what to do in case of an accident.

"The first step, in case of an accident, is to not try to hide it by scraping your mess into the cup. Big no-no. This makes your sample corrupt, which may mean that your partner could end up being impregnated by carpet fibers if I understand correctly, but it is also unsanitary.

"The second step is to tell the front desk staff that you had an accident, which seems horrific.

"The people who work at the lab are people who, by my calculations, deal with upwards of 80 men per day who have just masturbated, or are about to, and their sperm. Sure. They are professional.

"But, still, everyone is a little bit tittery, a little bit anxious. We all know that this is all very silly, and that I just touched my penis, and you are someone’s grandmother, and that even though you have a pin in the shape of a little sperm fella to help break the tension, we all – if we really had the choice – would probably prefer to burst into flames than discuss any part of this, let alone the fact that someone missed. Whoops!

"The DVD would change over time, but still be of the same variety. Usually some kind of early 90s Eurotrash boat fantasies, or oily faux-lesbian scissorhands scenes, starring fingernails that made me very nervous. I would check every time I went in, and it was always awful. Everybody’s got their thing, I guess. My thing is that I am thankful for the Internet."

*Episode 3 coming up......

The Painful Struggle by Dan Majesky

"Do you have a minute? I’ve got kind of a long story.

"Leah and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years. I’m not sure when, exactly, we stopped the birth control. Like all our plans, we didn’t start with a plan, but instead decided that if we got pregnant, that would be great.

"And then we didn’t get pregnant.

"I mean, look, when you’re in your twenties, it feels like you can’t look at someone else without getting pregnant. We’ve all heard about someone who got pregnant through 2 condoms, spermicidal lubricant, and an IUD. Right? But we didn’t get pregnant. No big deal.

"We’re in our 30s. 

"Things are probably a little bit dusty, and a little bit rusty. So, three years ago, we started using apps and calendars to track this and that. Ovulation test sticks. Old wives’ tales of positions and timing. We got some late periods. And some periods that never came!

"But we didn’t get pregnant.

"So, off to the doctor we went. His and hers appointments for collections of blood and semen and measuring parts and such. Medical science being what it is, we got the answer to all our problems: 'You’re fine, and there shouldn’t be a problem.'

"Do doctors ever tell anybody...

"'This is what is wrong, and this is how to fix it,' and then give them pills, and they’re fine? This is not my experience. My experience is: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

"We didn’t get pregnant.

"So then came the hormones for Leah. Along with those hormones came the realization that little-to-none of this would be covered by insurance, and that the coverage rate would go down as we went deeper into the process. See, insurance companies look at getting pregnant a lot like getting sick. Why, they can’t imagine, would you try to get sick? Well, f*** you, insurance companies. That’s why.

"But we didn’t get pregnant.

"So maybe we’re bad at timing, or something, or god knows. Usually that’s fine, but we are in our late 30s, and clocks are ticking. The doctor told us that certain hormone levels were low, lower than they should have been, and that meant our egg supply was dwindling.

"Let me tell you something. There is nothing you can tell a woman that will make her feel more young, beautiful and vibrant than, 'You have a dwindling egg supply, and it is time to pick up the pace.' You should try it. Maybe at a bar.

"And that was when we began IUI, intrauterine insemination. IUI is – colloquially – the turkey baster method. When they told us about it, I tried to really hear what the doctor was saying, but all I could hear echoing around the room, off of the oyster-y pearlescent floors and the alien-vagina wallpaper, was 'dwindling.'

*Bersambung..............:)

Ramadhan Kareem

Alhamdulillah..Allah telah sampaikan kita semula di bulan barakah ini.

Bulan yang penuh dengan keampunanNya, maka rugi jika kita tidak ambil peluang memohon keampunan..Sesungguhnya keampunan dari Allah itu LUAAAAASS!!!*depakan tangan*

Berbahagialah ummat Islam sepanjang Ramadhan..setiap kebaikan dan amal yang kita buat, ganjarannya berganda-ganda-ganda-ganda...walaupun cuma seukir senyuman...

apatah lagi baca quran, solat, qiyamullail, etc..etc..etc..

dan menambah kesabaran dalam diri..especially us..TTC-ian kan..so jangan berhenti berharap dan tingkatkan smangat dan kesabaran!*wink2*

Alangkah beruntungnya! *mata bersinar-sinar*

Ramadhan kareem!!~

Nawaitu memiliki anak itu~

Assalamualaikum!

Alhamdulillah, 2nd appointment kat KKM went well. It was actually my CD2, an unplanned appointment.
Supposed after my 1st appointment, Doc prescribe me with Provera to induce my menses because my uterus seems thick.

And i mentioned in the previous post, Doc said I can consume whenever i want...after raya boleh, as soon as possible pun boleh. So lepas setel puasa ganti, ingat nak makan on 1st day puasa nanti. Tapi lepas Doc tanya previous 3 menses, seems my cycle is around every 2 months, dan kalau ikut sejak last menses, dalam bulan 6 ni memang akan menses. Tapi who knows..kacau bilau lagi ke. Tapi belum sempat makan lagi Provera tu, suddenly ada bleeding on Tuesday..so terus call doc, dia terus suruh datang esoknya which supposed to be CD2 untuk ambil darah. So, ambik darah la kita. And suami pun dapat appointment date untuk hantar cement untuk test kat lab. Tapi date tu dan result darah dua2 lepas raya...so we chill dulu.

Anyway..about the title. Nawaitu. Just wanna talk (as reminder to myself) nawaitu sebenar nak anak ni. It occurs to me few days lepas 1st appointment tu, doc tanya dah berapa lama kahwin..so I jawabla...2 and a half year..and she said.."ohhh baru la jugak lagi.."

(Actually i kindda hate that people always said like that..memang sebenarnya dia nak sooth kan perasaan kita..risau lamaaa kahwin tak dapat2 lagi anak kan. Tapi tu macam subjektif la. Katakan umur dah 32, tapi baru 2 tahun kahwin, nak kata macam tu jugak ke? Sedangkan perempuan kan, as we get older...the chances semakin menipis..because we have "expiry date" kan...so 2 tahun menanti tu kira lama la...get it? and me also, almost 30..takkan nak tunggu 10 tahun plak baru nak gelabah2 kan..tapi i just lupakan je)

Sebab lepas tu Doc cerita, dia sendiri tunggu 8 tahun baru dapat sorang, and sorang tu je la anak dia. Perempuan. now kat Jordan..Alhamdulillah. Seorang pun, menjadi yang solehah penting. Dan Doc pun cerita macam mana keluarga mertua (pantai timur people) tu dia la yang banyak dia makan hati sebab mulut directttt je tanya dulu2. sampai ada yang tanya "mandul ke?" depan2 dia..ehh..tak ke sakit. Tapi doc ni tabah je, suami dia pun tabah je. Nangis juga...we understand.

Then dia cerita banyak kali dia doa, bagi la zuriat sebab dah tak tahan dengan tohmah orang. Yelah..bila kita dah down macam tu..emosi tunggang langgang gitu..macam2 kita fikir dan kita akan buat apa sahaja nak dapatkan.

Which i come to my point..nawaitu. Terfikir cerita doc tu, sebab tak tahan, sampai terkeluar mulut, nak ada anak supaya orang tak tanya dah..Kadang2 sebab orang keliling, boleh jadi nawaitu kita nak anak tu adalah "supaya orang diam" , "orang tak tanya dah"..which more to please others.
Nah! aku dah ada anak dah...puas dah? nak tanya lagi?

But..people do ask! different one!
Sorang je?
Bila nak ada lelaki/perempuan pulak?
Dia nak adik jugak....

Huk aloh...maka kita akan kembali sedih, sebab...belum ada, ditanya2..dah ada..tanya jugak!

Itulah yang antara maksud dalam hadith Niat, dalam hadith 40 tu kan.

” Dari Amirul Mukminin Umar Al-Khattab r.a katanya : ” Aku mendengar Rasulullah SAW bersabda : – ‘ Sesungguhnya setiap amalan perbuatan adalah dinilai mengikut niat. Setiap orang dinilai dengan niatnya. Sesiapa yang berhijrah kepada Allah dan Rasulnya maka hijrahnya dinilai mengikut niatnya menuju kepada Allah dan Rasulnya. Sesiapa yang berhijrah untuk mendapatkan dunia atau wanita untuk dikahwininya maka hijrahnya dinilai mengikut tujuan hijrah itu.” (Riwayat al-Bukhari dan Muslim)” 

Hujung hadith tu dia cerita kisah sahabat yang berhijrah sebab nak kahwin dengan seorang perempuan, maka Nabi Muhammad sebut ganjaran hijrah dia cuma perkahwinan itu, itu lah nilainya. 
Means, apa yang kita niatkan, itu je lah nilai yang kita dapat. 

Samalah dalam isu nak anak ni. Sebab saya terfikir-fikir sampai bila kita nak puaskan manusia sekeliling dengan pencapaian kita. Sebab memang tak akan berjaya! Maka kalau kita nak anak, sebab nak:
1) Buktikan kita subur
2) bagi cucu kat mak ayah dan mertua
3) dianggap pelengkap keluarga
4) penat dah orang dok tanya
5) malu sedih
6) etc
7) etc....

The list continues, but it will never end, and we will keep doing things because of human, it will never stop and we will get even more tired and sad. Don't we? Apa kita dapat kan? 
Dah dapat anak, means kita subur, then what?
Mak ayah mertua dah dapat cucu..then what?
Family dah lengkap..then what?
Orang dah tak tanya bila, orang tanya lain pulak..then what?
Anak dah ada, tak sedih tak malu dah..then what?

Itulah pentingnya niat. Dan setiap anak tu berhak di kehendaki kehadiran nya macam my previous post, 
Wanted.Planned.Intended. Maka kehendak yang lebih besar bila kita niatkan Lillahita'ala. 

Kerana Allah tu Maha Pencipta, kita menerima segala rezeki kita ada.
Kerana Allah tu Maha Berkuasa, kita menerima ujian yang kita dapat.
Kerana Allah tu Maha Pengasih, kita terima ujian sebagai tanda kasih-Nya
Kerana Allah tu Maha Penyantun, kita lembutkan hati menerima santunan-Nya yang berhikmah.
Kerana Allah tu Maha Penyayang, kita jangan sedih (selalu sangat2) dengan ujian2 Nya
Kerana Allah tu Maha Mengetahui, segala aturan hidup kita Dia tahu, kita explore dengan hati terbuka
Kerana Allah tu Maha Pemurah, segala apa yang kita ada hadiah dari Dia, jangan hanya pandang yang tiada.

Teruskan usaha TTC tu, niat kan setiap langkah ke klinik dan sebagainya Lillahita'ala, insyaAllah pahala setiap kesabaran kita tu janji Allah.

Lagi di uji, lagi bertambah sabar, lagi bertambah pahala.

Bila dah dapat anak, yang diniatkan Lillahita'ala bila kita terima nya, insyaAllah Allah akan mudahkan kita menjaganya, mendidiknya, membesarkannya..Allah kan baik? Niat yang baik2 Lillahita'ala..

Senyum
*dah kenapa tulisan kat atas2 ni...dah edit pun still stay like that...give up..haih*